


Potencial

by wtngrapture



Category: Oasis (Band)
Genre: Band, Incest, M/M, Oasis, gaylove, preoasis, rock - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-06-06 22:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 33,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6773434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtngrapture/pseuds/wtngrapture
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this fanfic I want to dig out Liam and Noel's deepest thoughts about their relationship throughout the years. See how it's been developed and how do they feel towards each other, for the best and the worst things. </p><p>I think there's nothing else to say, if you wanna know more, then read it. Hope you can enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.<br/>Cheers!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 (Noel's narrating)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic being published in this page, I don't know how is this going to fit here but I wanna share it anyway.  
> Also, it's in fact my first time writing a whole story in English, so I can't promise there's not gonna be some mistakes. In case you notice them feel free to let me know, that would help so much :)

CHAPTER 1

Liam is driving me crazy. Every time I step into our flat and I see him I know there's no way out anymore. Because as long as we live together, I'll have to see him every day after work, when he's all sweating and tired. When his cheeks and the tip of his nose are delightfully red and he just shivers and smiles when he sees me coming into our home. He says he's heading to the shower but before, always before, he slowly comes at me, caresses my hair and softly kisses me on my lips.

And right there, he knocks me out again. For the next twenty minutes while I can hear him singing on the shower and awkwardly throwing stuff to the floor (then cursing) my mind is all Liam. Full of Liam. I just can't avoid daydreaming with his glance, those blue eyes playfully grinning at me. His warm touch on my skin when he holds me, the way he moves around the room, the way he stares at the television while he gently fondles his lower lip, then bits it, quickly looks at me and sees how I've blushed like hell. The thing is, he perfectly knows how much it arouses me. I'm in the kitchen, trying to concentrate in the temperature of the water so my pot noodles would be at their very point, ready to eat, but my mind is already in another dimension.

And all that even before having dinner. The night has just started and I'm so lost, fuck it. He chats about silly stuff, complains of the job, his boss, his mates and the new bands that are absolute shite. I nod and try to focus on my meal so I don't just stare at him like I was idiotic. I don't know why am I like this with Liam, it didn't happen before. I had such a normal feeling for him, even when we started dating. But lately, I can't avoid thinking about him in a sexual way every time I see him. I think it begun when he got a job. We started seeing each other just for short time every day, and that when he didn't go out; in that case, I just saw him the following morning, and the only thing he cared about was his hangover.

On the other hand, Liam was growing into a very fine young man, that's true too. He's turning eighteen in two months, he's already taller than me, but his tiny body complexion  and his boyish haircut makes him look so naive, childish, in fact... very hot. It's not just that I miss spending time together, it's that I've also realized how pretty he's for me, how perfect.

He knows exactly how to tease me, and for sure loves it. I know he's not willing to become more intimate or sexual with me, I don't think he is ready to see me like that and I want to respect it. But Liam also enjoys to feel how I beg for some more touch, a deeper kiss, for sleeping together while he lets me hold him... He feels so bloody powerful.

So, when bedtime arrives, he starts his little show. I'm already sitting on the bed, lazily playing my guitar, senseless sequences of chords. I look like I'm lost in the melody, but my eyes are all alerted. My brother starts undressing, standing by the other side of our bed, slowly, casually, sensually. He strips off his jeans caressing his legs, showing his pale, smooth skin little by little while I focus on every inch (every inch I want to touch). Then he unbuttons his shirt facing me, pretending he is interested in my strumming. The truth is he plays with my mind better than I'll ever play my guitar, avoiding me to see his dishy chest being naked and making me miss the rhythm and swear of nervousness.

When he finally has worn something comfortable to sleep, he turns on the old TV of our bedroom and sits by my side. He insist that I stop playing and we watch some random show together, so he gets my entire attention just for him. Liam actually couldn't care less about whatever shit is on the television, he just wants to finish his job driving me mental for today. I rest my back on the headboard and he crawls up my lap, our eyes find each other's while romantically talks to me. It's like an infinite trip on a rollercoaster this kid, I can never be in a normal mood with him. Eventually, we start kissing (just kissing), making it up, fully dressed us. Liam is on top of me slightly rubbing my crotch pretending he doesn't notice. And I'm growing bigger and harder under him, blushing, suffocating, panting . I want to control myself, don't touch him in some specific parts of his body. And when I'm at the edge of the cliff, about to fall in absolute madness, everything finishes. Like that, like nothing. Like there was an alarm clock to tell us it is time to sleep and stop and forget, because it's the little kid's bedtime and he has to be early and fresh for school. So he gently kisses me one more time, in my cheek, lies by my side and asks me to turn off the light.

_—Good night Liam._


	2. Chapter 2 (Liam's Narrating)

Since I'm dating Noel, my life couldn't be more beautiful and interesting. The love I feel for him? I have never felt it for any other person in my whole short life. He is my everything, my treasure, and he's all mine. I know I'm his world. I know that while he is touring with that fucking band of proofs he's thinking about me, every second. He misses me, and he always tells me that when he comes back home. Then there we are with our daily routine. During the winter, the most of the time he is working here, in Manchester, and living in our flat. Originally it was supposed to be his and his girlfriend's flat, but... well, obviously that idea took a radically different direction.

  
However, we didn't just start dating one day. Our —thing— has a long story which only we both know.

If I had to look back in time and determinate a beginning, it would've been when I was around twelve years old. It was one of the last summers in Ireland with our mam's family. We stayed in our grandma's old house, a tatty, small, wooden house placed in the middle of nowhere, in the countryside. That summer was hot as hell and, when we arrived there after the endless trip, I fell like a rock on the fluffy bed aside the window. We had only one room to be shared, and it was way too tiny for two growing-up lads. So, I claimed that bed as mine and, by the way, that whole middle part of the room (which included the biggest part of the wardrobe, I may add). Of course that triggered an epic brotherly war, swears and furniture flying all over the bedroom. I attacked Noel with a pillow punching his head in. I managed to knock him down the bed, climbing on top of him, repeatedly massacring him with my ultimate weapon. Victory was all mine. He begged me to stop while stupidly shaking his arms, trying to grab mine in an useless attempt of self-defense.

  
Actually, it was pretty funny to see my older, responsible brother dramatically losing a pillow battle against a kid. Eventually, I forgot the reason of our fight and I burst out laughing, releasing his arms and falling onto his chest, laughing out loud and not even trying to avoid his punches on my back. He pretended to look angry, first he chuckled and told me to leave him alone, but in the end, Noel was as amused as me for the ridiculous situation, and he ended up holding me in his arms, we both laughing and shivering, then trying to recover our breathes.

  
—You're fucking silly—, he pointed out, while I still had my head sunk against his neck. I looked up to his eyes, he was playfully stroking my hair and making me laugh. Our faces were getting closer, until they were inches apart, our nose tips slightly touching. Then, he was whispering instead of talking loud, then just silence, we quietly staring at each other's eyes, feeling each other's breath, expecting what was unavoidably about to happen. I guess in that moment Noel was all ready, and he was just kind of waiting for me to do something which said: —I give you my permission—. But there were no words, no actions, I just wanted him to kiss me and I wouldn't say anything that could ruin it. So it happened. He pressed his lips against mines in the softest, most careful way someone has ever kissed me. In that moment I didn't feel weird, in fact, I felt like we were doing what we had been supposed to do our whole lives. I was finally complete; while it was also true I didn't understand very well what was going on, I knew it was special.  
After our first kiss, we didn't think about it that much, neither we talked about it. Nothing changed between us, saving some quick, confused glances and hidden love words in our eyes. People thought we had such a special brotherly relationship, I thought it too. We would hold hands when we felt like it, I would pretend I hadn't noticed when Noel's hand was way too low on my back, he would pretend he hadn't noticed when my lips were way too near to his when kissing his cheek. We even kissed in front of our mutual acquaintances a couple of times. We would be partying, high as fuck, and they'd ask us to kiss each other, since we were so close. Then, they'd say how cute we were and I'd blush, with the happy thought that I had been able to kiss Noel again.

  
Of course, none of us took that as something serious or worrying. We didn't think we could fall in love with each other, we presumed that was our special brotherly relationship, our way to express affection to the person we loved the most in this world. Well, at least, that's how I felt it. Things didn't go too far until a winter afternoon, last year, when I was seventeen.

  
It was a stormy day and outside it was freezing like hell. We were alone in our room, our mam and Paul wouldn't be able to come back home until several hours later, when it had stopped raining. None of us cared about that, not because we didn't worry about our mother, we knew she was going to be ok; about Paul, we didn't give a fuck. It was because we hugely enjoyed the few occasions we had to be together, just the two of us.

  
We had lost a lot of contact since Noel had started touring with his band as a roadie. I had a lot of things to tell him: how my life was going on, the job I had got, the girl I fancied... So I sat in my bed and grabbed his guitar, playing the few chords he had taught me a few years ago. I wasn't actually focusing so much on the music, our chatting was more important. Unlike me, he looked like lost in his thoughts, staring at the movement of my hands, repeatedly nodding pretending he was paying attention to my stories.  
—Noel, the conversation is here—, I suddenly retorted, sick of his ignorance.

  
—That's not how you're supposed to play it.

  
—What the fuck are you saying?— I answered frowning. Noel stood up and came to my bed, took the guitar off my hands and slowly played the chords in the correct way, signalizing me how to do it.

  
—Now you try—, he ordered, handing me back the guitar.

  
—I don't care about this stupid song, I was trying to tell you something. However I can't play this, my fingers aren't long enough.

  
—What do you mean they aren't long enough?

  
—I can't reach the last string, don't you see it?— in fact that was true, I was failing the position of my hand and it hurt a lot when I tried to play that chord. But I was simply too lazy to correct it, and not interested at all, I just wanted to keep talking with Noel and forget all this silly music thing. Fuck, he was obsessed with the bloody instrument.

  
—C'mon ourkid don't be stupid. You look like you have never played a guitar. Let me help you.— and so he did. He moved towards my back and held my left hand, showing me where to put my fingers. His other hand was in my waist, holding me. He had his fingers on top of mine, and kept on changing their position leading me through all the chords.

  
—It's easier this way, innit?— he chuckled. Now I was concentrated in the melody, paying attention to his instructions.

  
—This is awesome Noel, it sounds great— I said grinning. It was actually better than talking, this moments with him. We needed no words to communicate, the most comfortable times happened when we used our silent language, composed by gestures, looks, shivers...

  
With Noel I was at home, in the place specially made for me, where I felt comfortable, I felt free. And I wanted to transmit all that affection to him, so I gently kissed him on his cheek, without stopping to play. He looked at me and I smiled, it wasn't getting any farther than that, a peck on his cheek.  
But my heart turned upside down when, gingerly smiling back at me, he said those words.

  
—I love you.

  
And I was lost.

  
Lost in his eyes, lost in my own madness. A feeling grew in my heart again, something I hadn't felt for a long time. And I had to do it, without any previous warning, I closed my eyes and I kissed him on his lips. He suddenly released my hand and stood still, his eyes widely opened. But he didn't push me away or something like that, quite the opposite, he relaxed his body little by little and parted his lips, making the kiss deeper. He held my waist with his right arm and put his hand on top of mine again, this time softly stroking it. I carefully put the guitar on the floor and he held me closer, until I was on his lap, we both passionately kissing, losing the sense of time.

  
It could've passed a few minutes our hours, I will never know, but we didn't stop kissing until we heard the principal door opening downstairs. Then he just came out of the room and went to talk with our mam, and I stayed alone, lying on my bed drowning in an ocean of confusion.

  
It wasn´t until three days later that we were brave enough to look at one another's eyes, or even talk. He was leaving the following day again, and I needed to know if he really meant what he said. If he properly loved me or I just hadn't given him enough time to get round to say: —as a brother.

  
As usual, there were no words.

  
Just feelings, actions; our personal language, at its finest. Noel kissing me tenderly before I couldn't even open my mouth, embracing me with his arms, entirely sinking me in his scent.

  
—We will have all the time in the world to talk when I come back— Noel whispered in my ear, almost inaudibly. There was something in his words that made me believe him.

  
—I love you Liam.

  
I could have waited until the end of the world after that.


	3. Chapter 3 (NN)

I'll never, ever be able to hurt my brother. Liam has had enough from me throughout this past year. That afternoon... was like the gates of heaven were opening for me, just to go later directly to hell. Such an unexpected thing I must say. Nevertheless it came in the perfect moment. When I was behind him, holding his waist and feeling the smooth, warm touch of his hand, I could've exploded. The mean idea was actually stop him to talk about that stupid chick he had met. I didn't give a shite about what new birds were around town, that was my time with my brother. I just couldn't stand how Liam would spend hours talking about the same bloody issue: girls, girls and girls. God, couldn't he think about anything else?

  
The fact is that I couldn't bring up a topic of conversation better than that, so it just popped into my mind: the two things I was best at, sermonizing people and playing the guitar.

  
It was an innocent thought, didn't pretending something weird, either getting intimate touch of him. It came out of me as something very normal, but when I realized the real danger I'd put myself in, it was too late. I couldn't just get apart from him now that we were having such a lovely moment, nor letting him notice how my heart was beating faster than ever, about to come out of my chest. I tried to enjoy the moment as the thing it was: a pure brother's time, but my already messed up brain wouldn't let me behave like a normal lad, the older sibling my Liam deserved.

  
I started feeling sick, ill and wrong again. I stared to nowhere while my mind became a maze, really wanting, needing to get out of there, to go far from him. But he wouldn't stop smiling and saying how great it sounded, which made me feel even worse. And when he kissed my cheek I was verge to tears.

  
— _Oh Liam, if you knew, if you had the slightest idea of what I'm feeling in this moment..._ — I looked back at him, I was ready to go out of the room, and close that door to never open it again. I had decided it in that very moment: I was going to put me away from Liam. I couldn't do that to him under any statement, neither I would even pretend to make him as sick as I was. That was my fucking problem. Whatever that had ridden me mental, it wasn't his fault.

  
I decided to make me a favor and let me told him that I loved him, since it was the last time I'd be able to, with dignity, look at him face to face and talk. I smiled, contemplating his blue eyes lost in mines. Thought it was the last time I saw his piercing glance like this, for me. I thought it until, coming from nowhere, the best moment of my life invaded that room like a wave. The best thing I have ever did and I'll ever do.

  
Such an unexpected thing.

  
On top of me, holding me, kissing me, shivering and moaning and biting his lips like reproducing every scene I had pictured in my dreams every night since we first kissed. It was not like the first time at all, that was a little, childish game (a game I was always willing to play). That time was real. So real that I knew when I told him I loved him, it wouldn't be any problem.

  
The following months were a mixture of intense passion moments and distance among us.

  
One thing was telling him I loved him, in the loneliness of our room, and other thing was trying to have any kind of relationship together. First of all, I had my girlfriend and he had his. I've been dating that girl for four months yet, and he was just starting his relationship. But the worst thing was actually the guilt. The enormous guilt we felt every time we couldn't restrain ourselves. Every time I thought about him in a romantic or erotic way, and not as my little brother. I could see it in his eyes too, it was a sad look, desperate and worried at the same time.

  
There were occasions when I couldn't suppress myself anymore. I seek him and tried to get his attention at all costs, knowing how bad I'd feel later, how wrong it was, but the yearning was bigger than that. Then we'd hide and be as silent as possible, he'd tell me how much he needed and loved me and I would kiss him since my lips were about to bleed. But after that, the life must keep on. You have to face the real world and, in the real world, you're simply wrong. You are a mistake, a shame, diseased. I didn't want Liam to be treated like that for my fault. Sometimes, the will to disappear and leave every one alone came back at me like an urgency, so I wouldn't stop going on whatever tour or performance I was required to assist and get out of the town for a few weeks. Just to go back later missing the kid more than ever, while he had been waiting for me sleeping in my bed every single night.


	4. Chapter 4 (NN)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone supporting! <3

At the end of the day, I couldn't deny I was in love with him. No matter how much prejudices we were surrounded by, our thing was a real thing and we just couldn't stay ignoring it. It came very obvious when, one summer night, I heard Liam crying.

  
It was the night before my moving. I had been the whole afternoon packaging stuff, revising the last details and helping my girlfriend with her cases. Things were going very well with her, despite my latent secret , and I hoped that I could finally put some distance between us and start living a normal life for a young man, both of us. I wanted to believe that I could love that girl as much as Liam one day. After all, she was fully in love with me, she was beautiful, intelligent, kind and graceful; basically the kind of girl every man wants by their side. So I put all my expectations on her.

  
Liam didn't seem upset at first. He ignored me as he used to do, even helped me to package my things the days before. I thought it was sort of a relief for him, that he was sick of all our stuff. In the end, I was doing that for him, didn't I? His apathy hurt me a little bit, but I kept trying to convince myself it was the best decision.

  
That night I made an useless attempt to sleep. I was tossing and turning in bed, staring at the dark ceiling while all my life flashed inside my mind. I heard the front door opening, it was around three o'clock in the morning so I guessed that was Liam coming back from the pub. I simply pretended to be asleep so he wouldn't talk to me, only that he never came into the room. Au contraire, he stepped into the bathroom and locked the door beside him. I heard him sitting on the toilet and there were long minutes of silence. I was about going to revise if everything was ok, thinking he was boozed and sick or something like that. But before doing any movement, a weak sob came to my ears followed by a whimper, to an uncontrollable weeping.

  
For one minute I did nothing but hear Liam disconsolately crying. I didn't want to bother him since he was not so open about his personal stuff, but my heart was shrinking that I couldn't stand it anymore. I got out of my bed and heavily walked to the bathroom door, trying not to make a sound.

  
—Liam, are you ok? Is everything right?— I asked by the other side of the door, while it was still closed. Receiving no response I decided to come in. He was crawled in one corner of the bathroom, his hands covering his face. He did anything when he heard me stepping aside him.

  
—Whatever it is you can tell me, but let's go to our room. You're going to feel better once you get in bed— I tried to comfort him, convince him to stand up. What I actually wanted to see was his face. See if those beautiful eyes were still dropping tears and kiss them away. But the only answer I got was him telling me to fuck off. Politely above all, the damn kid.

  
—Leave me alone, I don't wanna speak with you.— he rubbed his eyes and looked up at me, pouting. His hair was a mess and his face was all wet. I got to see a little bruise in his right cheek, turned all red and a bit swollen, giving him such a naive air. There was no point on kept insisting that he told me something, so the only thing I did was kneel down in front of him and carefully fondle his cheek with my fingertips. He let me do so, to finally rest his head in my shoulder and cry away the rest, me stroking his back. A huge silence covered us in that cold, dark bathroom. That's how he had always liked it with me, no words, no fake manners and compassion, just us going directly to action. After all, we are not the talkative type, so that's the Gallagher's speaking, our own personal language he calls it.  
We were stuck in there until he got wasted of crying. I tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible in our position, holding him almost on top of me so he wasn't on the cold floor.

  
—My girlfriend has broken with me.— he finally muttered. He was now calmed and speaking quietly, and there was a sad air in his words. —She found me with another girl.  
I didn't know how to feel after hearing that. Was he serious? Did he date several persons at the same time? It passed an infinite minute of silence since he spoke again, I guess he was waiting for my response, but I was just starting to assimilate what I'd heard.

  
—We were in a friend's flat, making it up. She had lent us her bed so we could hide there to fuck, but the bitch had planned that just to call my girlfriend so she could uncover us. She went mental, man. She had forgiven me before for shagging other girls, but this time she made an absolute drama.— He was sitting now beside me, his head still on my shoulder. I kept my mouth close, I was simply speechless. He was telling me that like nothing, as it was something normal. He was seventeen for the fuck's sake. Did he really mean he was that type of boy?

  
—She slapped me on my face after making a scene and she ran out crying. I tried to chase her but she'd keep telling me to leave her alone. It really made me feel bad, you know?— I didn't say a word. Either he asked me to speak. Maybe it was better like that, because if I had talked I would have triggered a fight for sure, I simply felt too upset. And disappointed, and cheated too. In some way I felt it like he had been playing with me too; I knew the kid wasn't such a prick, but all he said made me feel insecure. There passed a few more minutes while we stayed sitting on the floor in silence, since I finally stood up and offered my hand to help him to do so. Still quiet, we walked into our room and he started undressing. I laid on my bed with no intention to talk anymore, I just waited for him to be already in bed, covered by the sheets, to turn off the light. I had a lot of things to do the following day.

  
But he broke the silence again.

  
—Why can't I find a proper girl for me?

  
Those words came as a whisper across the room to my ears. I tossed my body so I could see his bed, but he was laying with his back turned to me.

  
—Your girlfriend is a proper girl Liam.— I said almost sounding salty.

  
—Maybe... but I don't fancy her anymore.

  
—Well, then just pick one of the bunch you have.—I definitely sounded salty.

  
—What do you mean Noel? If I don't even like my girlfriend I can't see how would I like the other birds. They're just friends, I make them a favor.

  
I couldn't believe my damn ears. Upset as I was, I sat up all of a sudden, looking at his bed.

  
—What fucking favor Liam?— I almost shouted —Can't you see that's not normal? Not for a lad of your age, either for any decent person?

  
—But I'm not using them!— he retorted, finally getting what I meant —They make me a favor too!— he used his childish tone —They want to have sex with me and I want to have some fun. Nobody's getting hurt from that.

  
—Except your girlfriend.

  
—Yeah, I know, but I wanted to break up... but I felt sorry for her. And actually I didn't want to do it, I thought she might was my opportunity to...— he made a short pause, then his tone turned lower —You know, to have the same thing you have. 'Cause you could find the way out of this. A normal relationship with a girl, like everyone else. I want to fall in love as you did, to be able to think about a different person.

  
Now I really wanted him to stop talking, if what he just said meant what I thought it meant. I felt my heart breaking in pieces. I couldn't do that to my kid, make him feel like that. I've marked him so hard and now I was letting him feel forgotten. Why haven't I realized it before?

  
—And now you're going away... leaving me alone again. And this time you won't return Noel. Why did you say you were always going to be with me? You lied to me. I kept waiting for you every fucking night you were away, alone, while you probably were at some dirty pub shagging some stupid chick. I thought that was something real Noel. I wanted to believe on it.

  
Those were the moments when I wanted to punch him. Punch him in the face and choke him with my hugs.

  
I stood up and walked beside his bed. When he noticed it he tossed his body a little bit and let me space to lie by his side. I was still shocked by his words, so I kept in silence a few more instants. I had never considered the possibility that he may wanted that as much as me. In fact, I never thought that Liam would say to me that kind of words. He was like making it evident, what I always tried to avoid and hide. Make evident that our love was real. Farther from brotherly love, jealousy, distance or any other thing. He was angry because I was going away, because our thing was about to disappear, to finally be forgotten.

  
Maybe he was just a confused kid. Maybe I had caused an irreparable damage on his young brain, that made him feel sexually and romantically blurred, so he had such strange behavior with girls. Maybe he came back at me over and over again because he was looking for answers to the questions I'd set in his head, what made me the only one able to answer them.

  
Maybe he didn't feel love for me, and I have just fucked up his little mind. Hearing him saying those words provoked in me a huge anxiety, a willing to disappear, like the one I had when I started falling in love with him. Something that never abandoned me. How in the world could that work? How when I didn't even know if I was hurting him more than anything else in his whole life?


	5. Chapter 5 (LN)

I was covering with the sheets up to my ears, crawled, hiding my face with the pillow. I started dropping a few tears, I felt my cheeks immensely hot and a huge lump on my throat. I didn't want to make any noise, so Noel wouldn't know I was crying again. Somehow I think he felt it, 'cause he turned at me and held me close to him.

  
—Do you really think it's that easy?— he whispered.

  
—Don't start again, please. Don't lie to me once again.— I was feeling like hell. I couldn't restrain a weak, frail tone on my voice and I just cried out loud, sinking my head even deeper in the pillow. Noel kept holding me close, telling me to calm down.

  
—I'd never lied to you Liam. None of the things I've told you are false.— he tried to sound convincing, while reassuringly cuddling me, but I wouldn't listen —I love you, you know I love you.

  
His voice was faltered, full of insecurity, like every time he tried to show his real feelings. I knew how disturbed he felt about that, that many insecurities frequently assaulted his head. Looking back in time, I behaved like a child. All the jealous, desperation and frustration blinded me. I needed Noel so much by my side, that the simple thought of him moving away from me kept me awake at night. Apart from love, it was necessity, dependency; nowadays I regret about that, but back then I couldn't avoid it.

  
—But you're running away.

  
—I do it for you. You think I don't hate this? There's no other option Liam, we can't stay together. This is dangerous for you and for everyone. I don't want to lose control, I'm already getting enough regret for all my life of these.

  
It hurt me. It devastated me, everything he was saying. That he regretted, he considered it was wrong, and, specially, that he considered he was hurting me. There was no way for me to even start to understand how could that be wrong, either dangerous, if it was the only thing that mattered for me in the world. I simply couldn't picture my life without Noel. Any person was good enough, all I'd ever known and liked was him and his attention, his love, as the selfish kid I was. I didn't turn to look him at the face, yet I knew he was starting to cry too, and I felt his anguish and desperation growing bigger.

  
—I don't care about anyone else. You ain't hurting me, but if you go away, you'll leave me fucking alone Noel. I won't know what to do, where to go... I need you Noel.

  
—You don't know what you're saying.— he kept repeating that, not saying it to me but speaking to himself. I was too tired to talk, so I left my body relax and rest against Noel's chest, his arms still holding me tight, and we rest ourselves, none of us sleeping, in complete silence only interrupted by slight sobs and whimpers.

  
But as the minutes passed, it wasn't comfortable anymore to be quiet. Our bodies called each other and if we couldn't stop arguing when talking, we would express ourselves with kisses, caresses, holds, bites and noiseless, little love words. Sad and exhausted as we were, but still in love with one another. I knew in that moment and I made Noel know that we couldn't get apart, that he would always come back for this and I'll ever miss him. Maybe we'd never stop arguing or regretting and possibly it was weird and wrong, but it was what made us, and you can't renounce to an entire life.

  
So guess how Noel came back to mam's house the following day.

  
I was in the living room, lying on the couch, I've turned on the telly but my mind was lost in outer space. Mam and Paul were having dinner in the kitchen, but I was too tired and jaded to even get up and try to have a conversation.

  
Then, suddenly, I could hear a strange noise coming from the entry. I could've swore that it was some keys forcing the door, then light footsteps slowly walking down the corridor. I blanched and quickly got up from the couch and grabbed the lamp which was in one corner of the lounge. Ready to knock down the jerk who had had balls to even try to frighten my mother, I hided under the door frame, holding the lamp above my head.

  
—What the hell are you doing?

  
I turned back to see Noel standing in the opposite side of the room, crossing arms with a shocked grin in his face.

  
—You bastard!— I exclaimed, stamping the lamp on the floor —What were you pretending sneaking here like a thief?

  
—Sshh, shut up. I don't want anybody to know I came— he whispered, indicating me with a hand gesture to close the door. Which I quietly do, and then I stepped closer to him, we both talking in our lower tone.

  
—Why did you came here now? And why don't you want anybody to know?— I said slightly confused, other than that because I saw a reddish mark on his cheek, similar to the one I had. His hair and clothes were also a mess and he looked exhausted, like he had just came out of a fight.

  
—Look, I just don't want our mam to know it. I'm not it the mood for questions.— he made a short silence, rubbing his face, letting out a little grunt. —Let's get out of here.— he added, and before he had said anything else, we were fleeing from home.

  
The street was empty and dark, if not a bit cold for a summer night. We walked down the street in complete silence, until we arrived to a nearby park, then jumped across the fence making sure that nobody was looking.

  
Lonely as we were, under the starry sky, we found our peace. So I managed to start the conversation, trying to feed my curiosity first.  
—What have happened to you? You look like you'd been attacked by a herd of cats.

  
—Find it out by yourself.

  
—I don't get it. You've been beaten up? By whom?

  
—Well, let's just say that your girlfriend is not the only girl perfectly able to smash a guy whenever it's needed.— he chuckled, acting like I was totally getting what he meant. Which I actually didn't.

  
However, he passed his arm across my shoulders and laughed breathily, making me laugh too.

  
—You mean you've had your first fight? That's definitely a good beginning for a move together.— I said trying to make fun of it. He leaned his head on my shoulder, deeply shivering and then laughing again.

  
—There's no damn moving together anymore.— my smile erased off my face and I widely opened my eyes, not giving credit for his words.

  
—So she wants to stay at her home? That's why you argued, 'cause she doesn't wanna go live with you anymore?

  
—No Liam. Shit, I can't believe I have to explain this to you.— he grumbled, rubbing his face again —I came to find you for one reason kid, don't you think so? I thought you would understand as soon as you saw me.

  
He looked me straight in the eyes, frowning, while kindly tapping my head. I shook it to make him stop, then he grinned and held my hand. I was still confused, so I just looked him back and kept in silence for an instant. I still don't know how I haven't noticedit yet, but it had been a hell of a day for me, if I wasn't a little stoned...

  
Tired of waiting, he shook his head and turned around, searching for a carton of cigarettes in his pocket. He lighted two of them and offered me one. To break the silence, I started talking about banal stuff. Senseless or daily things just to not run out of conversation, we both looking to the sky instead of one another. That until he finally spoke. —I just couldn't keep dating her you know? he took a long drag of his cigarette and continued —I felt incapable. Not after last night kid.

  
—Yeah, last night...— I ducked a bit and looked at the floor —If only you always were the same that last night.

 

He tried to talk but I interrupted him .

 

—But you believe that it's wrong, don't you?— I said, but he didn't answered —And after all, you came again for me tonight.

 

—I just wanted to see you Liam, not to argue again.

 

—We're not arguing.— I replied —And I'm not angry...— I threw the cigarette and trod it against the floor. —Are you gonna come to visit me again?

  
He smiled —Sure kid.

  
—Hiding?

  
—Hiding, I'm afraid.

  
But I didn't care. I knew there would come the day when there would be not hiding anymore. I knew Noel would search me and take me by his side over and over again. There we were, kissing our lips tenderly in the middle of the night, in a dismal park. There he was, renouncing to the perfect girl, to half the money for the rent of his flat, just to come to smoke with his little brother. Things would evolve, because he was mad for me and I wanted the whole world to know it.


	6. Chapter 6 (NN)

Was my madness finally consuming me? I didn't know it, but I forced my limits until the very edge, more than I'd ever thought I was capable to, I liberated my mind of all prejudices I could have and drowned into the illness and paradise my Liam was. Day by day, while the weeks passed, we got closer and closer and eventually, without even notice, we became a proper couple.

We were like two proper proofs, that's what Liam said. He said it laughing and punching me on my chest. This is the most you get from him.

Until I invited him to come to my flat, it passed around two months of awkward and difficult gatecrashes on my own childhood house. I would go at dinner time, making sure mam was in the kitchen and our kid was already in his room, 'cause apparently, he was never hungry at night. I think we would have got skinny like a corpse if that meant that we could see each other without intromissions. However, he would say mam he was going to chill out so he didn't want to be bothered, and I'd bring with me some random sweets, just to see him smile.

That was the time when our curiosity for each other and the strange, intimate situations happened first. You know how it's like to leave a young couple, one of them still a teenager, alone in a room for too long.

I specially remember one October night. It had been a week since we last saw each other, 'cause I had went out of town to a few gigs with the band. I was yearning to see him so much that I didn't even take my time to call him for warn him that I was going. I simply approached home at ten o'clock in the night. I managed to barely make noise when opening the entry door and sneaking through the corridor to our room door. Mam was in the living room resting herself and I could hear Liam in the shower.

I got into our room and patiently waited on one bed. Minutes later, Liam opened the door and, surprised, couldn't avoid shouting my name in a mixture of happiness and confusion. I stood up and we had a long hug, still giggling worried for the possibility that mam could have heard him.

—She's gonna get to the conclusion that I'm crazy one of these days— Liam murmured —When did you came? You should have warned me.

—Whatever kid, at least I caught you at home. Not at your best moment, that for sure.— When I said that he realized the bizarre situation we were in. I was wearing my coat, still wet by the thin rain outside, and my hands holding his naked back were cold as hell. Naked because the only thing that covered him were his boxers and a wet towel hanging on his shoulders. Also his soaked hair was dropping water on the floor, around his bared feet. That is to say, a picturesque scene.

—I just came out of the shower man. Wait there and put on some music, as always.

He said that and I started picking some interesting tapes among his collection, while he chose and old t-shirt and sportive shorts to were as his pj's. I have to admit it, even like that, he looked gorgeous. In fact, it was that casual look and the wet fringe messily covering his forehead that made him look oddly sexy. I found myself being unable to take my eyes of him, just hoping he wouldn't notice.

As most of the nights, in some point we started hooking up. We had to take advantage of every moment of intimacy after all.

It started as something casual and playful, flirting and chatting about silly stuff. I bitted his cheek and he played with my hair. Strange from us that we weren't arguing or taking the piss out of one another as usual, but it felt fine, it was the result of getting closer and more confident with each other. I was truly enjoying it more than any time before, I was making Liam feel comfortable with that, I was making of our kisses something nice and satisfying. He was getting more and more confident with the pass of the minutes, getting closer to me, finally sitting on my lap, his spread legs around my hips and his arms surrounding my neck.

I kissed him deeper and I started mentally allowing myself to touch him in a bit more intimate way. I held his waist with my hands, and I passed one of them under the fabric of his t-shirt exploring his back. Then, with my other hand, I stroked his thigh, making circles with my fingers on the soft skin, meanwhile marking his neck with slight bites and sucks. He was holding me tighter, and his breath turned rougher. In one point, he let go a low moan, and a long, intense one when I bitted his earlobe. Then he was shivering and letting out little, aroused noises while my hands explored his inner thigh. He held my face and kissed me passionately, biting my lips and caressing my tongue with his hot and wet one. I lost the sense of time and the control of everything that was happening around me. Or inside me. I was immersed on Liam scent and the touch of his warm skin, the music of his moans and his heavy breath against my mouth. He smelled like shampoo and perfume, with some little touches of his own smell, manly but fresh. The sight was even better: his parted, pink lips and his intense glance sparkling and pierced in mine. The light movements of his hips on top of me, trying to get a more comfortable position and also trembling by the little waves of pleasure I provoked in him, every time my hand went higher in his thigh than it should.

And, why not to say it, his beautiful arse right upon my crotch, putting pressure on it. I was delighted by the sensation, but gradually, I could notice an obstacle between us, a very humiliating one. When it became to evident for me to ignore or try to hide it, the shame came back. Not the regret but the shameful, strange sensation of wanting my brother like that.

He was kissing and sucking my neck as I've done to him before, making me feel electric with each touch of his full lips. —Liam... Liam stop, please.— I mumbled shyly.

—What happens Noel? Are you ok?— he raised his head and looked at me in the eyes, but I ducked my head looking away.

—No, no, I just... I think I have to go to the bathroom— I tried to stand up, but he grabbed my shirt avoiding me to go.

—But it's dangerous for you to get out the room like that.— he advertised —Wait a moment and when we hear mam going to bed...

—Seriously Liam, I need to go!— I almost shouted, and he could see my betrayer blushed face.

His expression change all at once, becoming a silly amused grin. He stood up still grabbing my shirt, and without moving an inch, he started teasing me.

—Noel, would you turn around?

—Fuck off Liam.

—I can't believe it!— the damn kid shouted —Seriously? Oh c'mon, let me see. C'mon Noelie.

—Are you enjoying yourself?— I reproached annoyed, covering my bulge with my hands and trying to get free of his held

—There's no fucking way I'll show you.

—You should. After all, who's that thanks to?

—Oh, now go fuck yourself you cunt.— I tried to sound angry but the shame took my voice. I finally could walk to my own bed and I grabbed a pillow to cover my embarrassment, not before throwing the other one directly to Liam's face, who didn't stop looking at me more amused than ever.

—C'mon Noelie, don't get angry with me...— he begged, and he slowly came to my bed. Sat on it, I turned my face away avoiding his sight, but he was teasing me, lightly patting my shoulder until he made me laugh. I looked at him again and smiled widely.

—Would you forgive me and stop being an arsehole? — he joked, then pecked me once in my lips. I didn't talk but I smiled back. But then happened the unexpected.

Taking advantage of my neglect, Liam took the pillow away and, kissing me hard, came back to his previous position. Shocked, I didn't react at first and then I tried to pull him away, but his rough rubbing against my hard bulge paralyzed me. I let him take control of me, with his hands and his lips he did whatever he want. He explored me as he fancied, and then it was me who was moaning and panting. One of his hands went down to my crotch, and with his fingers he started caressing my length over the fabric of my jeans. I let out a loud groan, and begged him to stop again. But he pretended he hadn't listened, so he unzipped my trousers and told me to pull them down.

He drew away for a second to let me do the right. When we sat down again, he pulled down my pants, setting free my incredibly hard cock.

— _Are you sure you wanna do this?_


	7. Chapter 7 (LN)

That was the funniest Noel I'd ever seen. Acting like a little shy girl covering it with his hands, he looked adorable. I know he didn't realize the cuteness of the moment, for sure he thought I was angry and afraid, but all I wanted to do was hug him.

I won't deny it scared me a little bit at first. But I wanted Noel to feel fine thanks to me, I wanted to please him. So I took away that ridiculous pillow and I forced him to come back to our previous position. Initially he made an attempt to resist it, yet he wasn't really making a good effort. I kissed him roughly and then I had the control, his body surrendered at my inquisitive hands, that was my time to manage the situation.

Then it wasn't me anymore the one moaning, shivering and begging for more. I teased him like he had done with me, and I touched his inner thigh because I wanted him to know the electrifying sensation it always caused on me. I went a little bit farther to be honest, I wanted to seem self-confident when I slid his boxers down, but in the same moment I saw his erection right in front of me, like telling me exactly what to do, I shocked.

—Are you sure you wanna do this?— he asked breathy, all sweating, glancing at me lusciously.

—Yeah... just close your eyes.— I ordered, then my fingers started touching the tip of his member, slightly, just caressing it, like trying to get used to the sensation of the burning soft skin. He had closed his eyes as I'd tell him, so feeling less frightened, I massaged his gland and before realizing it, my hand was already going back and forth his length. I kissed him a couple of times and he held me closer, grabbing my t-shirt. Our tongues played while his pulsing member got harder and bigger among my fingers. I varied the rhythm every once in a while, making his body tremble while he would just call my name between pants. I wanted him to cum the latest I could, so I'd give him as much pleasure as possible.

He finally climaxed exclaiming my name carelessly over and over again, and ejaculated letting some drops fall in the sheets while the rest stained the floor.

We were speechless. The both of us; I kept looking at my own hand still surrounding his cock as he tried to recover the breath, still like a statue, strongly holding my arm. It was uncomfortable. It was weird, shocking, like it wasn't us who had been doing it and we'd been the whole time just seeing another couple behind a screen. It shrank my heart, because I couldn't believe that the man who had just cum from my touch was my older brother.

The one I've been living with in the same room all my life. The one who I've slept beside so many nights, cried in his shoulder, told my deepest fears, gave all my love, gave my very sincerest kisses. I searched for his glaze but it wasn't there, he didn't look at me in the eyes. I could see in his face a shadow of regret and a waterfall screaming for break through his eyes.

Then he just hold me, tighter than ever. Hold me like he used to do when I was really young, protectively, his hands high in my back, letting my head rest against his neck. We were like that for a while that I could say lasted for hours, and despite I wanted him to let me go so I could cry alone, I swallowed my tears and stood firm for him. Because I knew he regretted so much that it was his way to say sorry to me. Demonstrate me he was still my brother.

It's interesting how, no matter how much we wanted to be able to accept each other sexually, we resisted to go through the metamorphosis it supposed for our relationship. One cannot say that things doesn't change after making that step: something always get lost in the way. It would be hypocrite saying that I'd still feel Noel as a brother after that, because I can't be sure at all. I'm not even sure if he still sees me like that now, or how many time ago he stopped doing it. My biggest fear in this life has always been missing my brother, as the only person I trust. If I missed him, what's going to be left for me? I'll have a lover, at what cost? There's so many people out there to have sex with, and I was just going to lose my most beloved person for a shag?

However it was, it wasn't the time yet. I gathered all my strengths to give him a last, fond kiss in his lips before saying I was going to sleep. We left our position and he fastened his jeans, then shyly went to his bed and wore his jacket again. I knew he was utterly affected by feeling that I haven't been comfortable with that, and I just wanted to give him a break, I couldn't let him go like that because, after all, it was not his fault that I wasn't prepared.

—Noel, you can stay to sleep if you want.

He turned his head around quickly, facing me —No, no Liam— he whispered faltering —You know I'll have any excuse if mam uncovers us... And you must be so tired, I shouldn't bother you anymore. Sorry, I shouldn't come so late in the night.

—I want you to stay. Do it for me, please.— I tried to be persuasive, I knew he still couldn't deny me something when I asked it in that tone. He turned around and looked at me unconvinced, and I made a little pout joining my hands together as begging for it. It finally got a laugh out of him, and he shrugged resigned, readily wearing some comfortable clothes from my wardrobe and coming with me into my bed.

He looked calmed again, I guess he felt that I haven't had such a bad time after all. Not like it had been something really disgusting, but it had scared the shit out of me. Anyhow, it was none of his business that night, and I wanted him to hold me confidently till I felt asleep, like he had always done. Whisper in my ear that he loved me, and keep my heart warm another night.


	8. Chapter 8 (NN)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry for all the time it has taken me to update this! I had been blocked for months now and someone kinda got the inspiration back.  
> Anyway, to compensate, here's two chapters all at once. I hope you like it, this been written with all my heart.  
> Cheers

It's not even 3 am and Liam is already drunk as fuck. Well, it's not fair that I say that because I just started drinking two hours ago, but there's no doubt he was among the firsts arriving to this party. 

We came to a lad's nineteenth birthday party. In fact, Tony is actually a friend of Liam, and his partner in that "band" thing they have. He's such a timid lad, and, to be completely honest, the worst drummer I've heard in my entire existence. But Liam sort of likes him and I think he wants me to like him too, that's why I had to came here. 

Anyway, I'm not having this teenage party stuff. You'd have to kill me first if you want me to spend a whole day caged in this kid's house, drinking cheap beer, all of that accompanied with the worst collection of 80's music hits you could imagine. I'd got enough of that on Liam's birthday, and as the only way out I found was booze, I got more wasted than all this brats together. Not to mention that my night turned up into a beautiful date between the toilet and my vomit.

Now I'd already been enough time listening Liam brag about his fantastic musical project, as I'd had enough of standing that silly bird who won't stop flirting with him, exaggeratedly laughing at his crazy drunk antics.

I'll really have to use my best tactics if I wanna get us out of here, because neither can I leave him alone in his state, and if he gets to stay, before a half hour I assure you he'd be drop dead in that dirty couch, with that randy bird on top of him.

I just have to be fast, and wise. Think about it, what could all those kids fancy more than a vulgar party without parental revision?

Exactly.

I search in my pocket and there it is. I was sure I'd brought it with me, not that I could go through the whole night without blasting my mind a little bit. I first talk to Tony, who seems to be the one with the freshest mind right now.

—Hey Tony, tell me something. Aren't you bored?— I murmur, being as discreet as possible.

—Wha' you mean mate? I'm probably giving the best party of the year, everybody has come! 

—Yeah, sure, this is amazing.— I say trying to make my kindest face. —But is it not tiring you already? I mean, you've been the whole day locked here man.

—But people is having fun! That's what is important.— he shouts, pointing at all those jerks who are dancing like they've received an electric shock.

—C'mon, I know you're not as basic as those clowns. Your party is very nice, it couldn't get any better, believe me. But there's other "kind" of parties which are not made for  
everyone.

—Wha' you mean mate?— Here we go again. I unzip my anorak's pocket and I slide out a tiny plastic bag with some of my favorite powder spread inside it. 

Tony's face blanches. He looks at me with his eyes widely opened, pushing my arm like asking me to hide it.

I keep looking straight at him, maybe he overreacts a bit now, but we all know there's a fierce curiosity growing in his messed up brain right now. 

—It's not gonna kill anybody mate. Don't pretend you've never heard about this before.

—I'm not sure man.

—So, you are not going to give it a try?— I arch my brows, putting the bag away again. Then, I make a gesture with my head indicating him to come and follow me, as I stand up and walk towards the entry. But first of all, I grab Liam's arm and I rudely drag him out the party with us, while he's complaining and pouting to stay inside. 

—What the fuck are you doing?— he shouts at me —Whatever the hell you want, couldn't you have told me inside? 

—Liam, aren't you the one who says we never do something interesting?— I can't avoid a half smile while I show him the secret exactly as I did with Tony.

Liam almost jumps and falls down to the pavement, fortunately his even more shocked mate holds him by his arm. 

—What are you, a fucking drug dealer?— he yells irresponsibly. 

—Could you try not to make all the fucking square know about this?— I freeze him with my glaze, and I close his half opened mouth with my hand. —Let's 'ave some fun just the three of us, ok? 

I drag them two by their arms and lead them quickly out that street, and I guess that shouting of Liam says something along the lines: "let's gonna fucking have it!" I'm not any drug dealer either is him, and he'd better not try it in his life cause I don't think he would be the most cautious one.

We end up going to a nearby pub, one of those dark and dirty places who pretend to be the great thing. I can make sure that if it wasn't for all the shit they smoke or swallow, none of the people inside there would be even dancing, That's what you go there for, after all, 

Before even buying a drink, we get into the bathroom. Liam lost every doubt a while ago, but this other poor kid is still frightened as fuck. I turn around to talk to him and I can notice how all his body is shaking in nervousness. I don't even know why the fuck I brought him here.

—Tony you know... it's no necessary that you stay, all right?— I say it trying not to sound rude —I mean, first of all you look very scared, and Liam and I are going to talk about brothers things. All the night. So I don't think you would be very interested. You wouldn't really understand them.

—Do I have to leave?— he asks shyly scratching his head.

—I didn't say that, me. But I think that's what you most likely want to do. So don't worry Tony, we'll be fine. Go back to your party.

When the young pissed drummer is left, Liam bursts out laughing and locks the bathroom door. I don't think ourkid's that drunk anymore, cause he looks very aware of what I'm doing when I start cutting those damned lines onto the sink. He has that look he makes when he's learning something, and I just hope I won't regret this with the time. It's not meant to become an addict, it's just having a bit of fun.

And the bit of fun lasts for hours. Whatever effect this has made in Liam's body, I've never seen him getting this excited about being dancing in the corner of a pub. To be honest, I don't remember the last time I had so much fun. You need to have a night out with Liam Gallagher to know what a real party person is. We are now running up and down the streets, out of our bloody minds, trying to breath between giggles and shouts. I don't even know where we are now, but for sure is quite far from our flat, cause Tony's house is in the other side of the city and we've already walked past three or four squares. Suddenly the buildings start seeming familiar to me, as much as I can make out with my actual state of mind. 

—Noel isn't this our street?" yells Liam, who's clumsily lying on top a car, his head spinning to look everywhere. 

—Not a clue. Is it?

—Of course it is! Let's go to our home!

—Liam, what are you doing?— I shout, and he's already running as fast as he can towards the old council house, where our mother must be peacefully sleeping right now, not aware of whatever substances her little kid could have been doing tonight. Not aware that the stupid little twat is trying to climb the fence to get inside like it was a fucking football stadium, awkwardly falling to the floor when his feet doesn't reach their correct position.

I walk beside him and help him to stand up. —Noel, help me to jump— he mumbles, shaking the dust of his trousers. 

—Are you mental?— I ask, chuckling —Were you really thinking about getting inside? To do what?

—To go to sleep! It's too fucking late, we have to go to sleep— he's talking all convinced, himself, he's definitely lost the plot.

—And how do you suggest we get inside? Are you going to force the bolt?

—Don't be stupid. Obviously I got a key.

And Liam searches in his trouser's pockets and, there it is, the goddamned key. Why did mam give him a key to him and not to me?

—C'mon Noelie! Let's go to sleep.— Liam's already in front of the door, forcing the key inside. He's inside the house before I can make a movement.

—Hey, wait me!— something in my mind has to be damaged as well as his, cause somehow I'm following him into the house. At least I have the decency to aware him to be silent, and we head upstairs tiptoeing finding our way among the darkness. 

You can't hear a noise inside here. I press my head against mam's bedroom door, just to hear a weak calmed breathing. Liam is waving his hand calling me from beside our old bedroom's door. He gets inside first, again. I turn on the tiny lamp of the bedside table, to see how anything in this room has changed, the beds neatly made covered with clean sheets, and all our childhood and teenage stuff spread around here and there. I can't avoid a melancholic grin moved by all the memories flooding my mind. 

I sit on my bed and observe everything, and Liam goes collecting stuff from different drawers and saving it in his pockets. He finally comes to my bed and lies beside, closing his eyes, sighing of satisfaction. 

—I missed your bed.— he whispers, and curls his body like a cat, sinking his head in my lap.

—Did you?— I say, tangling my fingers in hair, caressing it.

—Here's where you taught me to play the guitar, where you helped me with my homework, where you played with me, where you listened to me when I had a problem...

—Where you kissed me.— I add.

—Where I kissed you.— he repeats —Where I kissed you, while we played a song. Do you still remember that?

—How could I've forgotten it.— I smile and he sits up to place a tiny kiss on my lips. He kisses me tenderly, holding my face with his hand, and in a few seconds we are kissing with a passion we haven't showed for a long time now. This feeling inside of dying for Liam's touch is hitting me again, and if it's for the drug or it's my own craziness, I don't know, either I know how am I going to stop.


	9. Chapter 9 (NN)

I ain't willing to do this, I can't, I simply can't after seeing how Liam reacted the first time we tried something like this. But he's driving me into it again, showing to me this hidden part of him, that part which tends to come out in the worst moments. I think I dig how he's feeling, then I know his faking this; he's only doing it to make me think he's confident with it now, pretending he's enjoying it. I know he's scared as hell, his tiny hand trembling as he grabs my neck, the whimpers and desperate pants coming out of his lips whenever he draws of me to get some air.

We're asphyxiated, with the heat of the moment and the euphoria of cocaine there's no time to even try to say something. To stop this.

I let myself be ridden by Liam's lips, obeying them as if my life depended on it. If he gets closer, I hold him tighter, if he moans, I moan, if he finally nearly screams and shakes our bed when I suck his inner thigh hard, neither I give a fuck for anyone who could hear us.

I just like it too much when he spreads his legs like this for me. His skin feels so soft and warm, his legs are so long, and slim, and perfect. I've said it so many times: this kid is an endless trip on a rollercoaster. Then I go up to his neck again, there's already light red marks decorating it, but is not enough. I want to really make it beauty, make it purple, see the marks of my teeth dig in his skin.

He's talking nonsense, calling my name with his breathy pretty voice. I unbutton his shirt a little bit, going for his nipples. I kiss his pale chest and I caress it with my fingers, I play with his nipples with my tongue, treating him like a porcelain doll, which could break in any moment.

And finally, I'm up to his mouth again. I give him the best kiss we've ever had: hot, wet, long, fond and tender and passionate. Making every kiss as if it was the first. I stare at his face, looking for some answers in his eyes. His glance is blurred now, Liam looks lost, I guess deep in his own thoughts.

—It's just your decision kid.— I mumble in his ear.

—Please Noel, don't leave this decision on me. Look at us. What are we? What are we right now?  
I don't know what's the way. We can't act like brothers. We can't act like lovers. I can't.

—Liam, if some of this ever happened, you have to know that it won't change a thing for me. Do you really think that something could ever affect what we have? That there's something out there strong enough to make me feel different? You, as my brother, come first than anything. I rather have any single lover in my whole life than losing you.

—Then get me out of my doubts. Do me.

—We just don't have to...

—Please Noel, do it. That's it. Don't let it in my hands please. I don't know anymore how to erase this doubt, but I can't live with it. Show me what is all about, show me why is it good. I'll make my best. I'll be ready if you are. I'll say it if it hurts, I'll say it if I like it. Come Noelie, here, in our bed.

As he says this, with his long fingers he goes delicately, button by button, opening my shirt as slowly as he can, making the exact stops in the exact moments, emphasizing his words with the weight of his actions, like some professional actor.

When he's done, he lays back a bit and grabs me closer by my arms. Our mouths are millimeters apart again, I hold him by his waist and I slide my hands stroking his body, till I remove his shirt too.

Now Liam's only wearing those thin black boxers, exposed completely at me. I get rid of my trousers putting us in the same situation, almost naked, getting to see each other's bodies better than ever before. I keep kissing him, exploring all along his skin. My hands do the same job, I'm finally letting them travel to the places they've begging for ages, his inner thigh, his butt cheeks, his crotch... Tearing soft whips out of his mouth.

I slide his boxers down and spread his legs wider. I start rubbing his half erected cock with my fingers, feeling how it grows harder and bigger as I round it with my hand and I stroke it. I'm jerking him looking at his face, melting with his gesture of lust and innocence. I bow my head and my lips stimulate his gland kissing it, then licking it, until I get his whole member inside my mouth, sucking him with fierce. I glance at him as I start going faster and faster up and down his length, putting pressure with my lips. He grabs me by the hair and fucks my mouth carelessly, making me gag every now and then when he's too deep in my throat, but it doesn't matter, because my mean objective is giving him so much pleasure that he can't feel any pain when I'm finally inside him.

Masturbating him with my hand again to recover the breath, I lick two of my fingers and I start lubricating his entrance. Just circling around his asshole, making it wet. I slide one finger inside, going back and forth while he moans my name.

His face has an air of pain and discomfort when I introduce the second finger."Do you want me to stop?" I ask, but he takes a deep breath and shakes his head.

I allow myself to take my time to prep him, despite I feel like a bomb which's gonna detonate in any moment. I don't even feel bad for wanting to fuck him mercilessly, because I know he's going to feel very good. After all, he's appealing the fingers thing: I draw circles inside his ass, scissor him, go slower and faster, that's to say, I experiment with his sensations to seize the moment. He's not showing disgust anymore, and the arm of mine that's stimulating him is being grabbed by his hand harshly, pushing it deeper inside.  
With his other hand, he awkwardly tries to remove my boxers. I tear them out in desperation, slitting the sewing and I crawl closer to him, so he reaches to masturbate me better.

—Let's gonna do it now...— he shivers, rising his back.

—No, no, don't sit up— I advice him —It'll be less hurtful if you're lying on your back. You just have to relax and trust me.

Obediently, he lies on the bed as I kneel on top of him, holding his hips up putting us on position. I slide in just a bit, and it's enough for me to notice how tight he still is. I groan in pleasure when I'm half inside, feeling the shocking hotness and pressure of his entrance, which is imprisoning me. Nonetheless I have to stop here, and wait for his body to adapt. He's shortness of breath and tearing up, digging his nails on my arms.

He begs me to wait a moment and so do I, meanwhile, I masturbate him to put down the pain. When he's more calmed I go moving back and forth softly. I'm being as careful as I can, because I honestly can't tell if he's enjoying it or not. I'm thrusting inside him trying to reach his spot, but all I seem to provoke him is more pain and disgust. Certainly he's narrower than I thought, also I've never got to try any man before, but I wouldn't be lying if I said that I haven't felt such an immense pleasure and excitation in my whole life. I don't want to stop now, and I don't believe I could, I would just focus on finding his spot and make him vibe along with me. I try to spread his butt cheeks and push myself deeper. My thrust is unhurried but strong, and when I realize it I've been already fucking him hard for minutes. Liam stifles a scream and I notice a couple of tears streaming down his face. I'd lost the sense of reality, I'd ignored how his nails are so sunk in my back that I'm bleeding, and how he's bleeding in another part too.

I change the rhythm again. I'm doing it faster but I'm trying not to go too deep inside. I'm holding Liam by his shoulders now, and I go slower while we share a long kiss, to recover the speed another time. His whines and pants are turning gradually into loud moans, he goes little by little moving his hips along with my movements. I whisper love words in his ear, to remind him that I'm not gone, that I'm setting all my love in this. I tell him I love him and he moans my name again, with the same breathy tone and lust he had when I was first masturbating him with my fingers.

I seem to have found his trigger of pleasure again, now's my turn to make him feel as amazing. Suddenly I get out of him. Liam, that had just got used to it by this moment gives me a disappointed look, but he starts to understand what I'm on about when I sit him on top of me.

He gently introduces himself down my cock, and starts bumping up and down at his own rhythm. I let him completely manage the situation. He rides me as fast as he wants, and I find myself in the verge of climax and jerking him, which makes our kid feel even better and ready to collapse with me at the same time. My Liam, desperately riding me, moving his hips and bending his legs, arching his back with every thrust.

A few more movements of my hands and he's coming, pouring out the white liquid between our bodies. He screams my name over and over again during the orgasm, saying that he loves me in between, breaking the silence once again and illuminating this dark room with the light of his sparkling eyes, full of pleasure.

I lie him down and go for my climax, triggered by the heat and constant pulsation the orgasm provoked in him.

—Fuck, Liam..." I moan, finally reaching my own peck, and I let myself fall down on his chest


	10. Chapter 10 (LN)

I feel Noel coming inside me with the last thrust into me, making my overly sensitive body after my own orgasm shake once again. He's crying out loud shouting my name, and I don't seem to feel the agitation of my heartbeat slow down a bit. The sensation of pleasure goes slowly leaving my body, but that weird feeling that has been growing in my stomach during sex is still there, and now it dominates me as the only thing I feel.

I notice that lump in my throat again, the one I've had so many times before. I wanna lie and curl with him as I thought I would when I pictured our first time, but suddenly, I'm incapable to even turn to see him, and I feel a shocking wave of disgust and fear that make my eyes fill up in tears. I don't control it, I don't know why it's happening but it creates a whole new world of bad feelings and confusion inside me.

It's for ages that I keep crying as I haven't done since I was a child, with Noel begging me to calm down and look at him, but I'm deaf to the whole world right now. My fear is so strong that has taken me apart of every other possible feeling, and it's not until Noel holds me tight that I realize the situation I'm in.

—I'm sorry...— is everything I can say, and whispering to my ear he repeats that it's ok, it's ok...

For a few hours, we fall asleep like this. Me, submerged in a deep dream between his arms and Noel in a doze, veiling me. At the time I wake up I don't even know what's going on, and I just do everything he tells me: to get up, dress up, sneak out again and go home.

We walk all the way holding hands, in silence, looking at the floor, and for the rest of the night the only words we share are those ones which, before going to sleep, Noel tells me:

—We'll speak tomorrow.

I sleep for long, quietly. Not even when the first sunrays sneak through our window and I hear Noel waking up, I open my eyes. I have a painful hangover hitting my head which makes me feel very weak and confused at the same time.

When I finally sit up, I call Noel trying to make my voice loud. I ask him to hand me a pill for my headache, but the minutes pass while I repeat his name and I'm not getting a response.

I get out of my room and I search him all over the flat, but he's not here. I think he may went to buy some stuff or have a walk, so I wait for him sitting on a sofa trying to rest my head as much possible. I remember that we have yet to have a conversation, so Noel won't be too late.

Though, the hours pass and he's still not coming. It's around six in the evening, it's starting to dusk and I'm feeling quite worried and anxious, because he rarely disappears for so much time without warning before. What if something bad has happened to him?

I go to the living room and I think to call somewhere. Maybe he's in Paul's, or he came back to our mam's house because he forgot something there. So, decidedly, I call the two places, but he's in none of them. Then I call the building where he had his old job, some of his closest mates , but nobody had seen him.

I bite my nails in nervousness, suddenly I feel desperate to hear the sound of the door opening and see his face again. What happened last night is feeding all this anxiety and maybe it's what's causing his disappearance. He could have felt scared when he saw me crying, he could've felt bad or regret and now he could be having a bad time because of that. My heart shrinks, I don't want Noel to worry to that point.

I don't even know what happened to me. I was confused, with the drugs, and how fast had everything happened, I was just out of my head. He has to understand it.

I'm having the worst night of my life. I don't eat, don't breath, don't rise my head from between my knees waiting for him. I'm in my bed, with the lights turned off to not to aggravate my hangover and because, I honestly don't want to do anything until Noel comes.

I have a bad feeling about all this. At one point I decide to go search for him. I'll find out where to start once I'm in the street. Once again I go to the living room looking for the shoes I threw somewhere around yesterday. This time, I spot a paper sheet on the coffee table, folded in half. Did Noel left a note and I really didn't notice? Eagerly, I unfold it and I start reading it.

 

_Dear Liam_

_First of all, I want you to forgive me for not saying this before._

_You know I'll always refuse to get away from you._

_You know you are my dream. I never say this kind of things to you, but it's the truth. More than music and anything else in this world. Getting apart from you would be the equal to death for me, without you it's senseless, nothing is worth it. But when I saw you yesterday I understood._

_I am hurting you Liam. My feelings have become very sick, very twisted and I'm not reciprocating you anymore. I'm overtaking you. The love you feel comes from your innocence, which I took from you, confusing you, until we both misunderstood it all._

_I've realized it's not about my dreams: it's about yours._

_A band gave me the opportunity to travel with them as a roadie, around the world. And I rejected it Liam, since the very first moment. But now that I know I'm your principal obstacle, I'm stepping out of the way._

_You may feel bad about this at first, and you would feel that I left you behind. Maybe I did, I'm a selfish man. I could try to learn how to properly love you, but I fear I'd fail. And I don't want to play a game I know I'm going to lose. Because this took out of my hand a long ago._

_You're always going to be my brother, ourkid. You knock me off my feet, I dream of you and all the things you say. I love so much that I've decided to get away from you, as much time as necessary._

_See you, always yours_

_Noel_

When I finish reading those full of crossed out words, hurried written lines, I let myself fall on the couch behind me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

I feel the tears falling off my eyes, rolling down my cheeks. I lie down and curl up with a pillow. And here in silence, I sleep. This night something grows inside my heart, something that is going to be with me all my life.

The resentment.


	11. Chapter 11 (LN)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's the option to play a song while you're reading the last part of the chapter. It actually (you'll see why when you read it) fits the moment. You just have to click on the link (underlined words)  
> I hope you like it :)

Resentment is like an injury in your heart. In its bottom, born in some moment of your life and trying to cicatrize. The difference with an injury in the skin is that it doesn't get smaller. Throughout the endless days of loneliness, it doesn't do nothing but be an increase of your own suffering. How beautiful it would be to stop hating. At the end of the day, he left me so I could forget him, right? I'm not following his proposal, maybe because I don't want to ever admit he was right, maybe because I don't want to forget him.

I revive every moment of that unbelievable year in my head every night, in my dreams, or awake in the darkness of my room fighting against my insomnia. Nowadays it still feels so unreal, it's always been like we were watching other people life, and we were just witnesses of their fall.

I wonder what's in Noel's mind now. Would he be thinking about me? I'm not stupid, I know he won't forget me.

I come back to that letter over and over again. He says I am his dream, so he ought to dream with me every night, as I do with him. Whoever he's meeting right now, I wish they're just seeing the fake face of him; I wish Noel doesn't fall in love with nobody else, ever. But me.

And nevertheless, I'm not even sure if our thing was love, still. I'm starting to understand what made me cry after the time we had sex: it was insecurity. I loved Noel to the bones, what did he love about me? How did he love me to hurt me the way he did? Sometimes, like it was a ghost from the past, I still feel the pain I felt that night in every inch on my skin, that burning pain who has kept me away from having sex with anybody again.

Somehow, I feel... broken. I'm not me anymore. I forgot the things that made me happy, the things I had fun with and enjoyed. I forgot how is loving another person and nobody, any girl, any friend, is enough for me to feel truly love. And if you ask me, I don't think I could give a definition of love, because I really don't know what that is.

Something is true, and it's that there is one thing in this world with the power of making me feel alive: the music. Music is the only real magic in this world. I'm so, so into it that I feel it running through my veins, taking me out of bed every day all along this horrible year.

I have even written some songs meself, and you know what? I'm better with words than I thought. The sad part is that I don't get to write any song which doesn't contain two, three lines, or it's entirely speaking about Noel. But it's my way to relief all the anger I have inside, and somehow keep the memories alive.

Moving on to other issues, I'm obviously not living in our flat anymore. In fact, two or three days after his departure, I packed all my things and came back to mam's house. I quit my job too, and simply stopped paying the rent until I told the owners they could do whatever they pleased with it; I don't want to step inside that place ever again. Our mother understood and accepted it without much more questions, I guess she felt kinda happy of having me back again. Even though I would have liked to keep my job, it's not like I could have done it, because I remember being the first two weeks barely going out of my bedroom and feeling angry with the whole world.

If our mom ever knew something about our thing, I'm not completely sure. Her way to look at me hasn't changed a bit, even though there's few times that I'm brave enough to look at her straight in the eyes. But her voice has changed, her gestures, mostly noticeable when we speak about Noel.

Not like I like to speak about him with anybody, but it's been unavoidable. He's came back to Manchester a few times since he left, usually a couple of days, to try and find a place to live with his new girlfriend. I haven't even seen the girl, but I pity her already, she's dating a fake twat.

And there wasn't a time when my mother didn't insisted that I went to see him and spoke to him, but you would have to kill me. I believed he came a couple of times to visit her and try to find me, but, as if I could presage it, he never caught me at home.

Fuck him, I need to fresh my mind and get him out of my head for a while. I hate spending time alone cause those are the moments when I feel his memory more real. And living in our childhood room is not helping at all, when every single corner of it has his essence.

I go rehearsing with my band for a few hours. This is not our most brilliant afternoon so far, but it's funny for a while. My mate Paul and I are so focused on writing our new songs that, when we're locked into that dusty garage with two cans of beer and a pack of cigarettes, with a paper and a pen on our hands, hours fly and real life fades, and there's just the music.

So I really get to come back home with a smile in my face. Today I've decided that it's not going to be such a bad day, that I feel tired of that emptiness in my chest. I want to think about fuck all. I walk across the entry door needing to head directly to my room, change my clothes and go have some fun out. Right at the middle of the corridor, there's my mother.

—Where were you going Liam?— she's standing right there with crossed arms, blocking the access to the stairs.

—I'm gonna wear something and go out, don't make dinner.

—Do you have just a moment first? I need you to see something.

Fuck, what have I done this time? What's she angry for? Usually she would have that "Liam you screwed it right up and you're going to have the biggest mother's dressing-down ever" look, but she looks pretty calmed when she slowly opens and goes through the living-room door, inviting me to follow her with a hand gesture. Maybe she bought me something, a surprise? I hurry my way inside eager to know.

Two gifts she bought me.

—What the actual fuck is this— I snort. Standing behind the coffee table, with a magazine in her hands, there's a blonde, stunning girl that I've never seen before. She owns bright green eyes, a beautiful and slim body and fine facial features.

Aside the coffee table, sitting on a chair, there's a brown haired, stupid cunt that yes, I have the pleasure to know. I turn around trying to make my way out of the room but my mother holds me by my arm.

—Liam please, wait. Stay a minute with us. At least say hello.— mom makes another useless try to make me stay in and Noel sits up from his chair, but I slam the door and, without more delay, get out of the house.

I specified it very clear: I don't. Want. To see him. Not now, not when the time passes neither when he didn't have the sodding balls to come to speak to me by himself, without needing the presence of his two women to defend him. In some way, his sight made my heart shrink again, and suddenly my day is ruined, my week, my month is ruined. Why is he appearing right now, why couldn't mom understand that the only thing I need is to stay away from him?

I make my way to our neighborhood's little park and, almost unconsciously, I find the bench where a year ago we fixed everything. The placed that joined us together. I crawl myself on top of it and my head sinks again in all the past memories. They hurt in every cell of my body, how he left his girlfriend and future for me, and I thought he was the person who would make everything for me...

Comparisons are such an ugly think. You can't compare present Noel with what he was in the past, as you can't compare the appealing of an eighteen year old scallie boy with a pretty, elegant woman. She transmitted so much calm, so much serenity... she was absolutely better than I thought. And Noel takes her everywhere with him. Noel is proud of her. Of what they're.

It is an hour and a half until I realize that the sun set down a while ago, and make my way home again to get some sleep. My night out's been completely forgot and at this hour they ought to be gone. This time I pass across my mother without exchanging a word and just go to my room.

Once I'm inside I throw my body onto my bed and close my eyes, then take a deep breath. I want to sleep for a long-life, but then, something is scratching my neck and won't let me get comfortable.

I sit up and pass my hand through the sheets until I reach it. At touch, it feels like a wrinkled paper sheet. My heart skips a beat and I quickly turn on the nightlight behind me. For how it looks, it is one of Noel's songs, and it reads like this:

_Sing a[sad song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84MlCMahlWY&ab_channel=oasisonoro)_   
_In a lonely place_   
_Try to put a word in for me_   
_It's been so long_   
_Since I found this place_   
_You better put in two or three_   
_We as people, are just walking 'round_   
_Our heads are firmly fixed in the ground_   
_What we don't see_   
_Well it can't be real_   
_What we don't touch we cannot feel_

_Where we're living in this town_   
_The sun is coming up and it's going down_   
_But it's all just the same at the end of the day_   
_And we cheat and we lie_   
_Nobody says it's wrong_   
_So we don't ask why_   
_Cause it's all just the same at the end of the day_   
_We're throwing it all away_   
_We're throwing it all away_   
_We're throwing it all away at the end of the day_

_If you need it_   
_Something I can give_   
_I know I'd help you if I can_   
_If your honest and you say that you did_   
_You know that I would give you my hand_   
_Or a sad song_   
_In a lonely place_   
_I'll try to put a word in for you_   
_Need a shoulder? well if that's the case_   
_You know there's nothing I wouldn't do_

_Where we're living in this town_   
_The sun is coming up and it's going down_   
_But it's all just the same at the end of the day_   
_When we cheat and we lie_   
_Nobody says it's wrong_   
_So we don't ask why_   
_Cause it's all just the same at the end of the day_

_Don't throw it all away_

_Throwing it all away_

_You're throwing it all away at the end of the day_


	12. Chapter 12 (NN)

It's seven in the afternoon and the streets are slowly being bathed by the yellowish color of the streetlights. Louise grabs me by my hand and drags me inside a flowers shop insisting we have "a beautiful detail with my mother".

—You could also buy some for your brother, maybe this way he'd forgive you.

—Just pay those Louise.

She happily looks at her reflection in the showcase and adjusts her shirt's collar. Louise holds my hand and off we go again. 

We arrive to my mother's house 15 minutes later than supposed, but Peggy is not the kind of person who cares about those things. She invites us to come in with a smile on her face, and kisses each one's cheeks. Inside the house, it smells like amazingly cooked food with a small touch of cleaning products. And Liam's aftershave, the lots of it he uses.

Me and my girlfriend sit at one side of the table, which is already perfectly displayed for us to dine. Mam sets a big salad bowl on the middle, but she doesn't sit with us just yet.  
—Now there's just one thing missing. Liam!

She shouts that same name three or four times, until the little nightmare comes nimbly walking down the stairs. My stomach turns upside down. He's wearing a neat striped shirt perfectly ironed and his hair, that has just been washed, is styled in the most possible elegant way for him. He walks down with his head unbowed, looking at us over our shoulders, and when he steps right next to Louise, he grins widely and gives her a soft handshake. 

—Hi pretty. I'm Liam— he says seductively and gets Louise to introduce herself, who seems very pleased about finally catching the younger's attention. They're holding a rather normal conversation while I'm left radically ignored. Liam flirts, jokes with her and makes himself look like the most likeable person in this world, even making her nervously giggle every now and then.

—It's good to finally know you— says my girlfriend —You've been such a hard case though, you're not so easily caught, are you?

—It's just that I don't like to be around certain kind of people— he smirks and finally sits next to our mam's chair right in front of us. Louise and I almost jump in our chairs, she nervously chuckles and stares at her plate.

Peggy finally places some last pieces of tableware and sits with us to eat. I look at her with narrowed eyes. For what reason in this world did she call Liam tonight? I know I asked her to try to convince him to talk with me, but not now. Not dinning with Louise and not after the song's letter. Right now he's like a bomb with an incredibly unstable countdown timer. 

We start eating and for what feels like an eternity nobody says a word. We just hear knifes clashing with forks, except for Liam, who doesn't even eat one bite and just keeps staring at a point of the wall between my girlfriend and me. Meanwhile Louise, obviating she's considerably nervous and out of place, can't avoid sending some indiscreet glances at my brother, who pretends he doesn't notice. I've seen that kind of looks before, it happens almost to every girl who's around Liam. He attracts female attention so easily, and more tonight when he's particularly good looking.

The little cunt is doing it on purpose. Like all his fake gentleman manners and sympathy towards Louise, he just wants to make me jealous. And indeed he's making me jealous cause, fuck, it's been a year since I last saw him. And he's clearly good looking, more than that, I didn't remember how much power those eyes have on me. How he illuminates a room when he steps in. How I can see through him and read every thought when he's not even moving. Therefore, as much as he wants to look cool and calm, I know the rhythm of his breath is as fast as mine. Only I can notice that.

Eventually our mother manages to build up some conversation, which my girlfriend seems very eager to follow. They create a fake sensation of calm just for me and Liam to go even more paranoid, because now that the two women are concentrated on each other, ourkid is burning me with his eyes. I remain eating, I eat fast and concentrated until there's nothing in the plate, and then I drink three glasses of beer. Not for a second he takes his eyes off me, looking like he's about to stab me with one of these tiny knifes at any moment. 

When I'm about to start a fourth glass, mam stands up and removes our empty plates (giving a disappointed look to the one still full) and heads to the kitchen to bring the dessert. A more relaxed and satisfied Louise caresses my hair smiling widely, and gives me a brief kiss. That finally breaks Liam's patience.

—So, Louise, why would a girl like you want to be with Noel?— he asks as he leans on the table facing her.

She chuckles —I don't know. We both have to be very patient with each other, don't we Noel?— she grabs my hand confidently and I whine and gasp a yes. —No but, really, I think Noel and I just stick together very well, you know Liam? I guess we are like soul mates.

—Aww, are you? he laughs sarcastically —And tell me. What do you like the most about Noel?— he looks back at me again —His sincerity? His loyalty? Is it his handwriting?

—Actually yes, I like that he's very honest with me. He's the person I can always trust you know?— she makes a short pause to drink some water and goes on —and well, he's got a beautiful handwriting— she laughs at this and gently pats my shoulder.

—Oh so he also communicates with you through notes I see. He still doesn't have the bollocks to talk face to face. Do you like that about him too, how fucking brave he is? 

—Liam, please, this is not the moment...—I mumble, but there's no way he's going to stop now.

—If he's so honest and so brave, he'd tell you everything I guess. Do you speak about everything Noel? 

Louise remains silent. Her face shows curiosity now and she stands up with her arms folded looking at Liam.

—Cause what we don't see, well, it can't be real. What would she think about you if you told her what you REALLY are?

—Liam, shut up in this moment!— desperate, I violently push the table as I stand up into Liam's direction, throwing some glasses and dishes to the floor. He catches it with his arms, but grabs a broken glass from the floor and throws it at my head, almost hitting me. Full of anger, he shouts me senseless abuse and threats, throwing his arms into the air, and approaches me threateningly. Finally our mother joins the action leaving her place behind the kitchen's door frame and holds Liam's arm. She begs him to stop, but Liam gets abruptly rid of her held and tries to put his hands on me. Peggy now holds him tight from his back. She looks evidently worried about Liam's reaction, but not for a second lets him go, until he surrenders.

He surrenders and explodes, tears breaking from his eyes rolling down his cheeks like a waterfall, Liam whines and shivers desperately, hiding his face with his hands and staining it with blood from the one he had used to throw the broken glass. He is a complete mess, hanging on mam's arms trying to catch some breath, not succeeding. Louise is accusingly looking at me, begging me with her eyes to do something. But when I'm going to talk again, some way he can feel it so he escapes from the situation and runs upstairs.  
I run after him, and I completely forget whoever is waiting for me in the living room. If he doesn't listen to me now, I'm gonna punch him in the face, I'm gonna make sure that he finally learns what the world is about and when to keep his mouth close. He slams the bathroom door behind him and when I come in he tries to push me outside. He punches me and pushes me away repeatedly.

—Get out of here! Get out!— he shouts, and pushes my chest one again. 

This time, I can grasp his wrists and take more control of him. —Liam you're going to listen to me. I'm not leaving until you stop behaving like a kid, and you let me say what I have to say!

He keeps shaking his body trying escape. —You've got nothing to say, I don't wanna see your fucking face! Leave me fucking alone! 

—I'm your big brother, we do what I say. You're a fucking kid Liam, you don't have any idea of-

—Don't call yourself my brother you twat!

I run out of patience, he can't dare to say that. He can't keep pushing me away. We do what I say, the way I want to do it, and when I want to do it. He's going to listen to me now.  
I take total control of him and throw him against the sink.


	13. Chapter 13 (LN)

My back falls hard against the sink and I can hear a crack sound. Instantly, I feel a sharp pain running up my spine and I clench my fists and teeth, falling to the floor and letting out a long whine which I wish Noel would have never heard. My head is spinning and I struggle to get up, but my arms fail and my already tired body and mind give up. I just lay on the floor trying to catch some breath.

I try to give Noel a gaze full of hate. I can't believe he's standing there, doing nothing, is he going to hit me, to say something? Wasn't that the reason why he was fighting me?

He's looking at me, staring, his arms laying limply on both sides of his body. Noel is sweating, and covering his face with one hand, gasping, scratching his face. He turns around.

—Don't fucking comeback again...— he hears me whisper when he's already at the corner of the door. Noel changes his mind now. My brother gets on his knees and pushes my body against his, holds my head tight against his neck and wraps me with his arms.

And silence remains. The pain fades away for the minutes we hold, and I don't know if I'm crying or it's the heat of Noel's skin but I'm blinded, so blinded that I don't remember why I hate him.

Eventually the bathroom door opens to let him go, the front door locks again and I do remember the anger, and I also remember what I had been missing so much time.

\-----------------------

This following morning, everything seems back to normal, despite a huge bruise on my back and tiny pieces of glass that you can hear crush when you walk around the living room.

—Liam, for god's sake, don't step in there. I hadn't already cleaned it!— mam shouts.

—Sorry— I gasp jumping away from the little crystal bits —I'll help to clean it— I go to the kitchen looking for the broomstick.

—The broomstick is broken, you would need to pick it with your hands. Just leave it, I'll buy one and clean it myself.

—Well, at least let me remove the big pieces— I insist and gather some bigger broken glasses and pieces of porcelain, putting them in the bin. Mam observes me standing behind me.

—You're going to cut yourself...— she gets down on the floor beside me and takes the stuff off my hands to throw it herself. Then she holds my injured hand between hers. Fortunately, the glasses didn't stick too deep and made just superficial cuts. She caresses them.

—Liam, we heard a big thump upstairs last night... You didn't hurt each other badly, did you?

—No mam— I stand up from there and sit on one chair. She leans on the table beside me.

—You're conscious that you can't keep acting like that. That's not the way to treat your brother.

—Here we go again— I say rolling my eyes.

—It's the truth Liam. Say whatever you want, but until you don't make an effort with him-

—Leave me fucking alone— I throw the chair back and go to lock myself into my room. Might as well to not go out for the whole day.

I can't believe we are back to this point. Having to hide here alone, I thought I'd got over it. I curl myself up my bed, everyone will do better if they don't come to annoy me today.

Five minutes later, when I was almost getting to have some beautiful sleep, I hear an annoying sound coming from somewhere. I grunt and bury my head in the sheets and cover my ears. A second time. Someone's knocking at the door. I'd shout "fuck off" but I don't even feel like answering, maybe they'll think I'm asleep and leave me alone.

An entirely grey dressed figure closes the door behind him. He stands still for a moment, looking at the bulge I make under the sheets. I slide the fabric down a bit to take a peak of a sweating, tired looking Noel. He's wearing yesterday's sweater and huge dark circles form under his eyes. He hesitates but finally comes to my bed and drags the sheet down at once. I'm lying here, all curled up and messy, looking at him with narrowed eyes.

—I just want to talk.

—How many times do I have to tell you to fuck off— I close my eyes hoping that's enough to kick him out. Obviously it's not. He doesn't talk but neither I hear him going. I open my eyes again and he's exploring me tip to toe with his eyes and an anxious expression. This doesn't even look like Noel, this is a sweating mess, a bundle of nerves who lost all his proud the same moment he crossed the door. He puts a hand on my back and I shake it off quickly. Then I finally sit on the bed and he sits unconfidently by my side.

—What are you doing here in the first place— I say —You don't have to take care of your bird?

I receive no answer.

—Did you have a fight when you got home? Did she kick you out the house? I'd have done it.

—Liam everything is fine— he frowns —If she's angry about something it's for bringing her here to meet you.

—Oh! Yeah, cause I'm a cunt, like nothing I said was true!— I throw my hands in the air, almost prepared to make him leave the room in this instant.

—I didn't come to fight again so stop now! Ok?— he bows his head and stays quiet for a few seconds.

—I'm sorry— he mutters.

—Why are you sorry?— I say showing indifference.

—For hitting you... I lost it... Are you ok?

—I'm perfectly fine. Are you done?

—I'm sorry for everything. And I'm sorry that you can't understand why I did what I did, maybe someday you'd understand why was it necessary.

I'm going to protest again but he rises his voice stopping me.

—Cause you're confused now Liam. Maybe you think that I did it because I didn't care, or I didn't love you, but it's all the way around! I did it because I needed to protect you.

—You left me. You disappeared one morning and didn't even give an explanation!— I stand on my knees on top of the bed —A shit letter man, I don't want a fucking letter, I want my fucking brother to talk to me face to face!

—Did you see yourself the night before Liam? I couldn't even look at you in the eyes!  

—I was fucking stoned ok? I didn't even know where I was at. You should have asked me instead of running away like coward. You could have said something, try to solve things...

—What should I have said? I thought it was clear enough, you started crying, you didn't want it, you didn't want what I wanted. It all had been my mistake. And I was sorry, and embarrassed that I couldn't love you the right way— he's shortened the distance now and is standing on his knees as well, using a smoother tone —I needed time to... miss my brother.

—I did want it! I loved you!

—You were sick of it Liam— he insists once again.

—No I wasn't.

—See, this is your problem! You keep lying to yourself, and me. I swear to god, I can love you the way you want to, you don't need to keep lying. We can be brothers.

—Do you want to be my brother?

—Yes, that's what I...!— he stops shouting at the moment I move my face a few inches closer —And... 

—Do it, be my brother now. Turn around and go. 

I touch his face with my hands smoothly, so he can hold onto something to stay. He needs to stay, to realize that he wants to stay. Realize that this is part of being brothers. I want him to lose it for me, like he used to. I miss seeing that passion in his eyes that, when were sunk into mines, could almost stare at my soul. I miss the energy we made together, how we were inseparable, how the whole world stopped for us just to look at each other.

If he goes now, he breaks my heart. Knowing that he is struggling to make the decision, trying to avoid my eyes instead of looking at me, is already so painful. And I think that the despair already shows in my face, and I can feel how I become weaker, just like last night, and about to break down.

But I keep holding onto that hope, and I stand still, for him. I give him time, I bite my lips and move my hands to his neck, his shoulders. How much have we lost in the way that it's so difficult for him to make such a simple decision when, before, he would've had no doubts to stay.

And still, when he eventually looks at me, he hasn't lost that gaze he used to give me. I just feel electricity again. He shivers lengthilly and looks like he's about to talk. But we aren't having more words, we need to let things speak by themselves. I have to do this effort for him, like the first time, because he hasn't still understood my mind and, as always, he is the insecure brother and this, for me, looks more like Noel.

Looks exactly like Noel because he doesn't make the first step, but he does the last. Noel fixes everything because he has that power. Noel commands everything, how long are kisses, how many kisses, how I'm feeling with them. There's no more Liam giving orders. I gave him his security back, and Noel decides that it's ok to leave now, that we would talk later. Like a whole year wasn't late enough.


	14. Chapter 14 (NN)

I have him in my dreams every night. Inside my brain, the past moments randomly reproduce during my sleep, and I wake up almost more tired than I was when I went to bed.

Every night a different one, some of them would repeat frequently. A five years old Liam playing football with me and my mates, assuming the goalkeeper role, kicking the bags that we used as posts every time he conceded a goal.

My guitar disappearing under Liam’s bed so I would cry because I didn’t find it, and he would laugh for some good thirty minutes. Then cry another thirty minutes cause he’d earned himself a deserved slap.

Sadly, cry again in a room out of lights, out of noise, pretending that we didn’t hear what was going on downstairs. And Liam hided his head between my chest and my arm, until I had to go down because I couldn’t stand it anymore. Liam stayed in my bed and waited for me, because he was promised to never be left alone. Never.

The sun caressing Liam’s skin in our house’s garden, we chatted and lazed during eternal summer afternoons that were to be felt short, and I would have liked to stay in them forever.

I wake up on the verge of tears, still in a doze. I look at the ceiling, the half opened window, at my left. There’s Louise. She stretches a bit and curls by my side, passing her arm around my waist. I like to close my eyes tight and, if I concentrate deep enough, I can even feel it’s Liam’s touch and Liam’s smell what I’m feeling.

With my mind still concentrated in that inner illusion, I walk to work. I believe that I just left my little brother sleeping in our bed. Before my eyes pass the images of how would it be when I come back. He would be still there, sitting, looking at me from below. And I’d do all the old things he likes, such as playing with his hair, kissing his jawline, let him rest his head on my shoulder…

I lost the sense of reality a long ago. It would be impossible to go through the days if I didn’t. And I learned how to fake smiles, affection, words… so it got easier to pretend that I’m a normal person. I nearly am.

Louise convinced herself that I’m a normal person too. Not even when she knows that I went to see Liam again, she seems to be upset. She trusts me with her eyes-closed, she loves me more than anything.

She has her way to fake, pretending that Liam doesn’t exists. Not like she knows something, of course she doesn’t, but she is not stupid. Louise notices like everyone notices, that Liam is a threaten to everyone who dares to be close to me, because I may not stop talking about him in the whole day. Maybe they have noticed that the kid doesn’t give them very good eyes. Louise says those are typical brother’s things.

I come back from work and, sadly, I don’t find my little gift waiting for me, but the same woman I have to see every day cooking in the kitchen. She doesn’t ever cook and recently she started doing it, maybe she thinks it pleases me. Is she noticing me distant? Did the recent lack of sex (to be honest, absolute lack) since we came to Manchester affect her?

—Good evening, looking handsome!— she smiles and shouts at my entry, I thought she thought compliments to be cheesy.

—Evening. How’s your day gone.— I say and I go by her side trying to help her boiling some water, but she pushes my hand away and makes me sit.

—Fine. Normal. As always.— It takes her a while to answer —Let’s talk about yours. How is the new job going?

—Oh, it’s all right.— I find a matches box on a nearby drawer and light a cigarette.

—They giving you too many hours aren’t they?

—Actually, I went to see ourkid when I finished.

—Ourkid?— she repeats and stops chopping the lettuce.

—Paul, the older one. It had been ages since I last saw him, and he had even made me tea and all, I couldn’t say no. He’s great now, even got himself a girlfriend, the clown. You really should meet him.

—Oh— the girl starts giggling nervously —No please, no more brothers for a while.

—Yeah…— I giggle nervous as well —Paul is such a normal lad don’t worry.

—So he doesn’t belong to the bipolar part of the family?

—Bipolar is not the way I would…— fortunately, the phone starts ringing to stop myself from shitting it even more. I run to answer it. It’s Paul.

—Hey bro, what’s up.

—Who’s that Noel?— shouts Louise from the kitchen.

—Just Paul!— just Paul…

The conversation with my brother remains and Louise says no more words until I’m back in the kitchen.

—What did he want?— she asks as if it was some of her business —Did you forget something in his house? You crazy head…

—No, not this time— I giggle —he just wanted to chat about something he forgot to tell me. Ourkid is having his first gig this Sunday.

—Ourkid?

—Liam.

—Ah…— she paces the kitchen a few seconds —And why would you want to know that?

—In case I wanna go see him.

—You aren’t talking.

—And so what? This is an important moment of his life, I want to be there.

—Noel… he threw a glass to your head. And he insulted you, in front of me— she says, with a bitter expression on her face.

—Don’t go down that way Louise.

—You know I’m right! I have already told you this. He’s your brother, and maybe before you had a good relationship but, don’t you notice that it is over? He’s a toxic person for you!

—Don’t talk about things you don’t know!— I shake my arm, accidentally throwing a fruit bowl from the worktop to the floor —And don’t you dare to say it’s over!

She looks how all the fruit falls and spreads on the floor, and sighs in frustration.

—You know what Noel? Nevermind. I’m not getting involved in your weird things. You both, you must know what is going on between you. I’m just saying it is not normal. You can count on me for everything Noel, but don’t count on me for this. It is your problem.

—Ah yeah, all right. Here is my caring girlfriend, well, thank you very much!

—No Noel, don’t blame me for this. I have seen how you act for him, do you think I didn’t know where you were the other morning? You spent the whole night crying. And that is what? In my opinion, toxic. Toxic, and strange. And I’m not getting involved, for the one thousand time, I’m not.

I slam the door in her face, I’m not fighting again today, though I think I have never wanted to hit a woman so much before. Nobody has the right to give their shit opinion about my brother. Nobody.

\---------------------------------------

Four days later, I’m sitting beside Clint in his car, some loud music on the radio, party ambience, on our way to first ever Oasis gig. Oasis, that’s the name my brother gave the band of him, the bald bloke and the other two. Meanwhile I still haven’t come back with Louise to our flat, just a few more days and I swear I’ll think about it. Anyway Clint always has a bed for me in case I need it.

Louise just got impossible to get along with. She was sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, I’m enough arsed with all the Liam’s problem to have to deal with her girlfriend rants, let alone having to explain her anything of my life before knowing her.

We arrive at the Boardwalk and all the Inspiral members and me get off the car, I raise my head and I see my older brother waving his hand calling us, with his other hand holding his new girlfriend’s waist. He starts talking to us, cheering up everyone’s expectations with clear excitement in his voice.

—Got to hear ourkid singing Noel, haven’t you? I bet you he’s better than you’d expect, and yeah, I’m also surprised.

—We’ll see that— I answer mockingly, hiding this growing impatience I’ve been feeling to hear him, since I knew what his new occupation was. Still buzzing in my ears is his pretty voice whispering to me this Monday morning, imagine how it would be singing, how beautiful would be that…

Diving in my own thoughts, somehow, the lads manage to get me into the club and we find a good position to observe the spectacle. Spectacle is how Clint jokingly calls it while he orders a beer for every one of us. Paul is on the backstage finding Liam, he told me expressively not to go with him cause Liam has better not have an anger attack before going on stage. Up to the second beer and just some minutes before the gig starts, someone adverts one thing.

—Noel, isn’t that your girlfriend at the bottom?

I stand on my toes gazing at the bottom corner of the big room and, effectively, alone there is Louise. She tries to move through the people looking for someone as well, and before she gets even more lost I put my hand on her shoulder.

—Hey, what are you doing here?— she turns around quickly, surprised by the sudden touch.

—God’s sake Noel, you were here! I’ve been looking for you for ages…— she sighs.

—Yeah but what are you doing here— I ask again frowning, and I move us nearer to the corner trying to isolate us a bit from the noise.

—I came to find you. I’ve been trying to find you all these days, I searched you everywhere, and I knew this is the only place you could be right now.

—Well, and for what reason were you trying to find me?

—Is it a joke?— she shouts, patting her forehead —Look, I’m sorry— she says calming herself again —Just wanted to say that, I apologize, I shouldn’t have said anything about Liam. You must know I was just trying to advice you, but I think we need much more time to talk…

—What?— I yell when suddenly the only thing I can hear is a long whistle thundering inside my head. The band has already gone on stage and Liam is doing a quick last sound check. “ _Hello? Hello? One, two, three…_ ” he repeats over and over again between beeps and little taps on the microphone with his finger.

—I said we need time to talk— she says raising her voice —Let’s go anywhere else!

—Louise I’m not going anywhere, this is starting!— “ _Good night everyone... This first one’s called Take Me”_ a quite nervous, quite swaggering at the same time Liam decides to start the show for a good once, and drums and guitars start growling a very Stone Roses-ish melody. Fast, raw and catchy garage rock.

—Do you mean that you are going to stay here for… this? Even though all the problems we have right now?

—C’mon, don’t be so extra…— I’m not looking at her anymore, but focusing on the most interesting sight I’ve had in years. My brother stands a few steps back from the microphone staring at the crowd, his shaggy fringe has grown so long now that it covers his eyelids and mixes with his eyelashes. A clearly oversized white jumper dresses his slim figure and to complete the look, there’s the typical cigarette hanging from his lips. This is not a bit different from the kid I lived with all those years, that brilliant, stunning kid and now, a whole crowd is going to know him.


	15. Chapter 15 (NN)

—Noel, I give you three seconds to turn around and start walking, or don't mind coming back home tonight, either tomorrow...— from the corner of my eyes I see Louise raises three fingers ready to start the countdown —Noel! Look at me! — I eventually have to toss my head, even though my little brother is already hanging one arm on the microphone, his lips so unnecessarily close to it, like he is going to sing the greatest opera in the world.

—Can't you wait fucking five minutes? — I shout despaired.

—Oh, fuck you! Fuck you Noel, I quit! — she stands here staring at me for the longest five seconds ever, waiting for an answer which I'm not going to give, and I just want her to go away so I tune my five senses on Liam. And when his voice eventually hits the microphone, I turn my head to the stage again and from this moment I can't tell whether she's gone or not, but it feels like the whole club is empty now. There is only one person, one little person, one unbelievable person who makes me think I've gone half deaf, because...

I definitely must have gone deaf.

Liam's voice is sounding, more or less nervous, but sweeter and clearer than I would have ever imagined. Paul was right, this is beyond my expectations, he has an unique tone kind of high-pitched but melodic as a violin, and that soft teenager vibe, Liam certainly sounds like a bird. Like an angel. And here is his fucking twenty four years old brother blushing like a girl, and to be honest, if my nose started bleeding sooner than later I wouldn't be surprised.

But I'm not going deaf for his beautiful voice.

— _Take me if you think I'm sweet_... — I mutter right after he sings it.

— _Though my life feels incomplete_... — I keep muttering, and my trembling fingers get to light a cigarette, I take an anxious drag whishing my lungs lose every bit of oxygen and I drawn in black smoke.

I feel my trousers tighten up until it hurts, and it's hard to stand still.

— _Take me when I start to cry, take me, take me don’t ask why…_

Something is got to be wrong with this. I think that my mind is so disturbed by now that I just hear the lyrics I want to hear. I only know that I feel like human shite.

Meanwhile Louise is no longer in the club. Good. I can’t find my friends. Bad. I’m so hidden among the sea of heads in the darkest corner of the room that Liam won’t even know that I came. Also, the floor is starting to get less consistent beneath my feet. Disastrous.

—Thank you very much— shouts Liam to the microphone hooligan style, and by this time Clint is already surrounding my waist with his arms from behind, thank god he could find me.

—Take me when I’m young and true… na na na...— he hums in my ear —congrat your brother later for those manly lyrics. Really touching.

—Shut the fuck up Clint, he probably didn’t even write them— I stammer, after all I wasn’t imagining the words. But I try to stay positive.

—And who wrote it then?

—The guitarist, man. Liam is just a singer. Ourkid writing songs, how ridiculous— I laugh sarcastically, two drops of sweat run down my forehead.

—I’m not so sure mate. Normally the singer writes the lyrics. Have you even asked him?

Silence remains.

—I knew it— says the Inspiral Carpet’s member —what a pair of brothers, you don’t even speak to each other. I don’t even know what are we doing in his gig if you’re going to be hiding from him.

—I’m not hiding! I was talking to Louise!

—Yeah, and where is she now? Stop being ridiculous— he finally releases my waist to grab my arm and push me forward —Let’s going to make him notice you came!

A minute after, Clint and I are both centimetres apart from Liam, so much that if I extend my arm I could touch… him. Clint jumps up and down at the rhythm of certain song called Alice, and I hope I would choke on air.

The performance finally finishes and air starts coming into my lungs again. I have to sit down for a minute drinking what’s left of everybody’s finished drinks. My plan was watching this and escaping from here as soon as possible. But Liam saw me. And, as Paul said, he wants to talk.

—Noel, congratulate your brother! —Clint slaps my back maybe trying that I stand up from the chair, but I fear my legs refuse to work. I raise up a hand for Liam to shake it but he doesn’t ever uncross his arms; our war hasn’t finished yet—Congrats— I mutter.

—Thanks.

Suddenly there’s anybody around nearer than five metres from us.

—What did you think?

His accusatory eyes are on me. He flutters his long eyelashes once, twice, thrice, and bits his bottom lip, those are the only movements his frozen-in-place body makes waiting for my review.

—Fucking shit— I answer. 

I wait for his always witty reply, but instead, Liam ignores my face, turns around, calls his band mates and leaves. Liam ignores me.

—Wow, look how he’s ignored you. You deserve it for being… what’s the word… let me think…

—Paul, stop.

—Oh yeah. A cunt.

—I’m talking to him— I hurry up to chase him out of the club. Outside there is nothing but files of cars, and two streets farther I finally run into their van, instruments loaded and ready to go.

Liam is sitting inside on the left seat, he’s locked the door and, when he sees me arrive he rolls up the window. I stand right next to it; he’s turned his head to the right but he perfectly knows I’m there.

—Noel, we have to go right now—says Paul Arthurs from the driver seat when he starts the van —Do you want to come or what?

—Let’s fucking go now, it’s late! —Liam whispers, thinking that I don’t hear him.

I lose my patience and I knock the glass —Liam, for the god’s sake, don’t you have a fucking minute! —I know I shouldn’t be this demanding, but what else can I do? —If you don’t get out, I come inside!

I hear him mutter a fuck off, and he looks to Paul, who is covering his mouth to talk to him gazing me from the corner of his eye. I knock at the window again, the other people inside the van observe the situation with curiosity like they don’t get anything. It’s past three minutes since Liam and his bandmate have been heatedly arguing, Liam punches his seat, Bonehead slaps his hand and requests the vehicle to be treated with respect, then he points at my direction, leans forward and opens the door, undoes Liam’s seatbelt and pushes him outside. People inside the van start cheering up and Paul starts the van faster than light, in case Liam decides to climb up to it again. But there he stays, sitting on the sidewalk, lighting a cigarette and completely ignoring me.

I crawl on the floor beside him.

—You are fucking shit Noel— he taunts.

—I think you sang great.

Liam keeps quiet.

—You did. Sing great. But your band is fucking shite.

—At least I don’t carry fucking other people’s drums.

—The drummer is… horrible. The band is uncoordinated and the songs are a cheap version of the Stone Roses. I’m not saying all of them are bad, but most of them are.

—Which one is not bad?

I hesitate a bit with the answer —Who the fuck writes the songs?

—Bonehead.

I sigh relieved like I just gave birth.

—Bonehead writes the fucking shite music— he continues —And I write the fucking shite lyrics. I write about stuff in me head. Or things that I care about. So don’t fucking be a knob with this or I’m leaving.

The conversation stops. Time paralyses around me. I think about anything, and everything.

I disappeared one year. One year, to give him as much time as possible. A year would be enough for everybody to fix a mistake wouldn’t it? I thought he was cleverer.

But he keeps insisting. Something is really wrong with Liam. I’m decided to fix it; my little brother is going to get out of this shit. Because it’s been enough. And the last time I tried to talk I fucked it up again. But today we have all the time on the world, today, I’m being his brother again, today I’m seeing the results of my efforts and all this confusion is going to end.

 —Liam, I think we already have to…— I stammer —have a…— my brother approaches me and slowly leans his head on my shoulder. My voice vanishes in the air and my stomach gets weak. I’m about to throw up off nervousness, trying to put myself together.

He sighs and curls up on my chest —I miss you…— he whispers. There is still people walking down the street, several cars and bikes pass by right in front of us. A group of young girls stare at us and I even can hear them gossip, what they would say. What everybody would think. I can hear their and my own thoughts out loud telling Liam he is irresponsible, and childish, and silly and too innocent for this.

—We can’t be here— I push him apart gently, and arch my brows worried, Liam arches his as well with a sad expression on his face. I mutter an apologise, deafen by a motorbike’s noise when it runs down. We hear the motor grumbling from miles away and not until the noise fades, Liam grabs my sleeve and talks.

—So take me away, just for today…


	16. Chapter 16 (LN)

—I just want to know one thing— I clear my throat, harsh after all the shouting— why are you still searching me? What do you want?

—I already told you what I want— the loud Irish music coming out of the record machine stops sounding as one old boozer tries to find his favourite track, and we need to start whispering —I want us to restart.

—What does restart mean.

—Start from zero. Like anything had happened. Is it alright?

Noel's voice comes out as a question, but his face marks it's all the way around; he's not asking, he's stating. And he wants me to be under his command.

—No, it's not alright— I answer. Noel goes speechless.

—Why did you kiss me.

—I can't believe you're asking this Liam.

—Answer to me— I say.

—Well, I kissed you cause you fucking pulled your face fucking two inches apart from mine, and like, I'm not made of stone? And you know what, you should stop doing that.

—What.

—Everything. Everything you do, the kissing and the crying and holding and getting so fucking close, it's just not ok anymore Liam, why don't you let it be over?

—And when did it stop being ok in your opinion? — I try to whisper but my voice gets louder every time, and I need to clench my fists not to stamp them against his face.

—It never was. It was my mistake, but I've got over it now and so you should do, so the thing is, how are we going to do that?

I start concentrating in the music. Ten seconds of violin introduction, then a bit of percussion. A soft acoustic guitar marking the chords. I wonder if the world does even make any sense. If it is a coincidence or Noel is always surrounded by music and why did this begin and end with a guitar on the background. My tiny hopes go shattering one after one, I feel them breaking like little cramps inside of my body and it does hurt. Why does it always hurt so much. The Gallagher brothers build up and then burn down big things and one of them doesn't even care.

—Because you are the wiser and you learned what life is about.

—Sorry?

—Nothing Noel.

—Do you want to go home Liam?

—I want to go partying. Let's go partying— I stand up and finish my drink at one shot.

—Ok. You want to party. Fine, let's go then—he smiles and with his whiskey follows my example, taps my back and leads me out of the pub —This is what I was talking about kid.

 

 

Three hours more and four drinks more and some feminine hands sliding down my back and my fingers sliding down my nose. Red hair amongst my lips and hers and my eyes piercing in the lines between the ties of the floor hoping they would separate and create holes in the ground.

—Do you want to bring me somewhere sweetie? — a soft voice mumbles in my ear and I glance directly at her, her drunken face draws a teasing sloppy smile for me. I smile as well, wanting to know how my face looks like in this moment, I guess, it does look happy. Cause two years later I'll be coming back to bed with a girl and that is alright.

—Sure enough babe. C'mon, my brother has a flat.

—And we can stay there?

—Of course, yes! — I say, and holding her hand I guide her beside my brother, who is now up to his sixth drink sitting alone on the bar.

—Finally, for the god's sake! — he shouts and frowns —Were you gonna make me wait all the fucking night?

—Noel, I need to ask you a favour— I giggle holding her by her hips all the time. I give her a snog and she giggles stupidly too —Could you… like… let me sleep round your house this night? — my girl waves her gorgeous red hair hitting Noel’s shoulder with its long locks. He ignores us and calls the waiter to pay his drink.

—Oi, he made you a question, are you ok? — the young woman laughs at Noel’s red face after her inquire and I jump right in front of him, pressing my hands together prayer style.

—Noelie, please…— I pout.

—You’re not going to shag on my fucking flat so, fuck right off— he snarls and pushes me away. We keep taking the piss out of him. Acting like little kids, I would say, being insisting and sticky and making it up in front of him. The waiter is counting Noel’s money and when he turns his head around my hands are up this girl’s thighs, and I gaze at Noel with the corner of my eye; his face is no longer red, but black. Suddenly, there’s a hand tapping my shoulder. I think it is hers but hers, actually are grabbing other things. Confused, I turn around and the world turns upside down.

Everything develops in seconds. The girl shouts, my back hits the ground, Noel stands up and his chair falls off. Some bloke, taller and older than me looks down to my punched face clenching his teeth, his throat growls something along the lines: “ _What the fuck were you doing with my bird?”._ I roll my eyes to the back of my head and say:

—She didn’t say she was your bird you cunt.

Noel gasps my name and holds my shirt trying to get me up from the floor. I do it on my own. The girl excuses me and apologises, crying to his boyfriend holding his arm and the fucking animal pushes her back, and grabs the collar of my shirt.

—I’m gonna fucking kill you.

I already feel I’ve got into a deep, deep shit. I close my eyes tight but Noel holds my back and drags me out of this bloke’s hands. He tries to hide me behind himself.

—Don’t touch him— he warns, sounding as angry as Noel gets, just so angry like when we fought the last time —I’m telling you.

Far from getting scared, our opponent heats up even more and draws his face millimetres apart from my brother’s, Noel can feel his alcohol breath against his nose and some seriously intimidating eyes threatening him. The man doesn’t speak, he hits Noel’s belly with his knee, Noel stifles a whine and barely avoids falling, instead punches him. I join in the brawl; I try to help Noel but some other two guys grab my arms and now the clear disadvantage is nothing more than an assured death for us both. But I just need to stop thinking.

I just let the violence run through my veins, all of us are fucked, me specially without a doubt and that increases all my fierce and the fact that I’m appealing so much a fight; because I need to hit my anger against something. So much that it goes out of control. Noel can’t even help me out trying not to get smashed against the bar; in a moment of confusion, someone slams a chair on my back and I writhe in pain. In that moment, everything ends.

The owner sacks all of us out threatening to call the police and, between more shouting and laughing the goonish group seems to have ended the fight. My blood boils, I’m struggling not to curse them all once again but Noel presses his hand against my mouth and makes me hush.

—Are you fucking mental? — he screams —How do things work in your mind, do you ever even think you pisshead?

—He hit me! He hit me first!— I answer, and I have to lean in the wall for a second feeling my legs tremble. I guess that’s has been just too much for me today.

Noel’s face is bruised, his eyes and voice softened by a worried air. I thought he was annoyed but, he looks, indeed, worried.

—Have you seen yourself? —he asks. I look down at my teared shirt, I guess by the way I feel that I have to be looking quite badly, I don’t even remember what happened.

—I fucking hate it when you are like this. You’re so… irresponsible Liam.

He passes his arm through my back, and helps me to start walking —You’re stupid. You never know what you’re doing, do you?

—Shut up.

—This is the last time you put yourself in danger in front of me. Be careful, for the god’s sake Liam.

And that is everything he says before he gets into a payphone and calls a cab for us. My house is miles ago from here, it would be impossible to go there walking now so, it’s been a good idea.

The vehicle arrives and he gets me into the backseat and tells the driver an address. I already close my eyes, Noel leans my spinning head in his own shoulder. He passes a hand through my hair and, not in the whole trip he stops cuddling me. My mind feels in a bubble, I smile, I think the fight was even worth it after all, and I feel like shit for it. A happy, nostalgic, in love shit.


	17. Chapter 17 (NN)

The taxi driver glimpses us through the driving mirror frowning and crooking his mouth. I give him back one of my murderer looks. When he goes back to concentrating on the road, I concentrate in Liam again. I think he is already asleep, due to his slow breath coming out softly of his half-parted lips. I clean the drop of blood that falls down his nostril with my sleeve, not like my coat isn’t already ruined. He groans and passes his own hand through his face, he isn’t sleeping as I thought but looks like the alcohol went up to his brain and the fight finished knocking his strengths down.

Eventually we arrive to our destiny. Liam sits on the sidewalk as I pay the ride.

—Noel, where the fuck are we? — he gasps.

—In my flat mate.

—What are you doing? Take me home now! — he stands up but I get a grip on his wrist and force him inside.

—How, like this? And what are you going to tell mam, that we let some bloke kick the shit out of us cause you go there snogging other people’s girlfriends?

—That’s definitely better than fucking sleeping with you— he spits.

—Don’t worry ourkid I have a sofa.

We get on the elevator and, up to my floor, I open the door as silently as I can. Liam makes his way in carelessly stomping inside an onto my sofa, dropping dead.

—Liam, quite! — I whisper.

—Is Louise here?

—Yes.

—Good—he smiles sarcastically —Noel… I need to piss.

—Alright. Go to the bathroom, third door down the corridor and please, for our own sake, don’t make noise. When you’re done, you tell me and I’ll find you a blanket or something like that.

—Ok— Liam numbly makes his way into the bathroom and slams the door back him. I curse himself inside, then, a feminine voice comes from the other part of the flat calling my name. My destroyed coat quickly gets hidden under the sofa, I fix my hair with my fingers and take my shoes off, and sitting down I display my best ever, innocent candid smile. Louise shakes the sleep off her eyes, and crosses her arms.

—What is all this noise about Noel? Did you just come? — she asks startled.

—Yeah… I… came to fix it with you.

—Fix it with me? At 4 am in the morning, drunk as fuck and, and…— she stammers— and I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with you. I told you that I didn’t want to see you!

—But this is my flat too, where do you want me to go?

—You’ve been out for almost a week! I can’t believe you came like this— Louise observes me tip to toe —Where have you even been, look at you, you look like just run over by a train.

—Ah…— I twist my brains to find an excuse. Suddenly we hear a little thump coming from the bathroom floor.

—Did you hear that? — Louise asks scared.

—No, I didn’t. Come on Louise we should go the bed and talk, like we did before, we can be up all night talking alright? I’m up to do it for you…

She ignores me radically and pays attention to every bit of noise around us —I heard voices before— she states —Who’s here?

—No one— I answer —You ought to have dreamt it.

—No, actually, I’m pretty sure I heard voices. You were speaking with someone. Who the fuck is here Noel, I swear to god, if it is one of your mates…

—Don’t be ridiculous, I’m alone! — Liam is retching in the bathroom, the clear and loud sound of him throwing up and coughing makes me even chuckle, at how ridiculous this situation is. To Louise, it doesn’t seem to be so funny.

—You're laughing. You think it's funny— she narrows her eyes.

—No.

—Ok. Gotta find who is there myself.

—No, no, no! Wait, is no one, alright? Just my mate, he got sick and…

—Noel! — a loud growl calls me impatiently, Louise open her eyes wide, recognizing it.

—Noel, come and hold my hair up, I’m going to stain it!

—Liam this is not the fucking moment! — I yell. Louise points at the bathroom with her finger, astonished. She points at me then, her face displays an accusatory gesture. I shrug. I think I’ve ridden out of excuses.

—I wasn’t going to leave him in the street— I explain.

—You brought him here.

—I had to.

—You were fighting each other?

—No man. He’s got in trouble and…

—So you got pissed together, and you spent a lovely night being fucking hooligans?

—Hey hey, I’m not a fucking hooligan— Liam’s head pops up into the sitting room and he leans on the wall.

—No? So then explain to me why do you go throwing glasses to people’s head.

—Cause that cunt there fucking deserved it—he glances at me— and anyway it’s none of your fucking business so leave me alone.

—You need to go now Liam— the girl orders, pointing at the door.

—I ain’t going anywhere, I’m at my brother’s home— he says childishly and sits on the floor, crossing arms.

—Louise he is drunk, leave him alone. I’ll wake him up and take him home tomorrow so it’s ok— I try to soothe the situation —I don’t know why you dislike him so much.

—Are you kidding me? I dislike him, I dislike the whole situation. I dislike that you get Liam between us every fucking time and, everything we do has something to do with Liam. Liam, Liam, Liam. We moved to Manchester cause he was fucking there, we go to your home to see if he is there. We fight and you don’t have time to talk because Liam is singing. I want to be with you but you’re sad because Liam didn’t want to talk with you…

—Ok, I think it’s enough—I gasp.

—“Do you think Liam would like this song I composed?” “I wonder what Liam would say about this jacket.” “Oh, the pink ones are better, Liam likes them pink.”

Meanwhile, the one and only Liam observes the scene thoughtfully.

—I’m tired that he always comes first. You need to stop ignoring me Noel. I gave you one thousand opportunities and you don’t learn.

—Louise…— I walk towards her, lean my hand on her shoulder and nod my head —Of course he does come first. He is my brother.

I hear Liam chuckling trying to hide his smiling mouth.

—No. Don’t use the brother excuse— Louise gets her coat from the hanger, starts buttoning it up. Then, grabs her purse and keys and puts them in the pockets —You are a fucking weirdo. And you know that.

Right before opening the door and slam it back she, bitterly, can’t avoid to add:

—And you’re not going to properly get a woman in your life. Remember it.

And there she goes, engraving those words in my mind for the rest of my life. My jaw hangs open. I bet Liam is enjoying himself to death in this moment.

—Savage.

—Shut the fuck up.

—She was right all the way through.

—Go to sleep.

Liam goes to his sofa of preference again, awake like an owl.

—So, are you planning on losing someone else tonight?

Fucking kid. Is he ever going to stop trying to break my heart? I hate hearing that vulnerable whine of him. That kills me inside. I hate he is so willing to show his feelings, he can't make this easier, he won't give me a rest. He lays on that sofa looking like a broken doll, expressionless, those expressionless eyes indicating that everything is going wrong, I'm about to shout him to stop.

—Noel, can you lend me some clothes? — he’s still wearing his broken and dirty shirt —I can’t sleep with this on.

—Mate, you’d better have a shower— I sigh —Go and use my bathroom, quickly, I’ll get you some clothes.

Without protesting, he drags his shirt off and locks himself into the bathroom. I search in my wardrobe and I find him some tracksuit pants and a comfy sweater, my white one, the best one. He takes his time inside, probably cooking himself in boiling water, and I hear him fighting against something which won’t stop falling of its place, and that makes me smile. It’s been a long time, actually.

As long as this night is going to feel. I’ve been wondering about how have I been able to go to sleep every night without knowing how is him; like four phone calls a day with my mother was enough. Once I’m in my room digging into my wardrobe I remember that I’d better hide some things while he is here. He wouldn’t like to find out where his old, loved jumper went. Neither what happened with that scarf he used to wear. I’m not giving them back, I need to keep them.

Half an hour later I hear him shouting for his clothes.

I open the door, get into the cloud of steam stepping on the wet floor. He is wearing my bathrobe tied to his waist, and his face looks worried. He turns around and slides the bathrobe fabric down his back, exposing it.

—Look at my back, how is it? It feels burning.

He’s got his skin red and swollen, looking truly hurtful. Without warning, I pass my fingers following the lines of the purple traces and scratches.

—It is alright…— I lie. My hands slowly move to his skinny arms, still untouched. I release the bathrobe off his hands, then, I undo the lace that surrounds his waist and it falls to the floor. Liam doesn’t even blink. Faltered, he murmurs:

—What are you doing Noel?

—I want to see you.

I turn him around. It’s such a difficult view. All these hateful bruises corrupting his whole stunning perfection. He looks about taking a step back, instead, stands still when my hands go down to his hips, god knows with which intention; though the second after I release him and look away.

I catch my white sweater and I ask Liam to raise his arms, to dress him with it. I do the same with his underwear, not minding getting as much physical contact as possible. That until I’m done dressing him with the trousers and, for Liam’s sight, becomes more than evident that my face is bright red and my own trousers feel tightening, and there is a clear lack of shame in me when my mind gets lost.

However, I cling onto the cotton fabric that covers his thighs, and get closer, kissing his earlobe. I nibble his neck and try to get friction for myself, pressing our hips together. As the rubbing gets rougher Liam clusters around me, surrounds my back with his arms. I hold his face and kiss him, the kiss begins a battle of strengths and tongues and we harshly can breath in exhaustion. When we need more than a simple rubbing, Liam jumps climbing onto me, I strongly hold his legs and, to get some balance, I press him against the wall.

We kiss until we taste blood in our lips and we still can’t get enough. I lead us to my sofa and there, I lay Liam down, at one point I put a cushion behind him for him to lay his hurt back comfortably. My hand wonders up and down his hip, not going any farther, just caressing gently; he’s kissing my cheek, neck and chest and biting softly while he strokes my face with his fingers. At one point he stops, pierces his eyes on mines, and I kiss his lips again.

—Say that you missed me— Liam asks, whispering against my lips.

—You know I did— I say, and try to kiss him again. He leans back.

—Say it.

—I missed you.

—How much.

—Every fucking second.

—And how are we going to fix that?


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is actually narrated by both brothers, each half of it belongs to one of them (first Noel and then Liam). Sorry if there is any confusion, but it was necessary for the story's rhythm!  
> Anyway, thanks everybody a lot for your comments and support, they are so important and make me so happy. I hope you like this chapter, heartfully :)

Early morning of 5th June, 1990. I still remember the exact date, how to forget it.

We held hands all the way back home Liam. I don't know if you remember that, you were so exhausted. There was absolutely any soul in the street, so we could do it. It felt so real, like having a girlfriend; making love with her and taking her home.

We had been sleeping for a while before, well, at least you had, and your tired blue eyes were difficult to keep opened and concentrated on the floor you stepped in. I didn't know how you could sleep after all that had happened.

And once at home, the first thing you looked for was bed. You didn't cry anymore, it looked like you'd finally run out of tears. I bit my tongue holding mines back, I held them back for infinite, infinite hours.

You laid there curling up like a child, with everything on unless your shoes and the duvet up to your ears. When I got inside the room, you sat up glancing at me, because there supposedly was when my sobering speech should've started. Instead, I put you to sleep.

I needed to hear your deep, heavy sleeping breath setting the rhythm my heart beats at. I felt you real, for the very first time. The dream had ended, you and I, we were real and flawed, you were no longer that ideal being I had imagined in my mind. You breathed and suffered, and it was my fault.

Words like incest, forbidden, strange, wrong, finally made sense. Their meanings got branded in my dictionary. I looked at you and I saw them tattooed on your skin, the sight became unbearable. I felt sick with myself, I asked to myself who I was, and I couldn't find the answer.

In a small suitcase, I packed all the strictly necessary things: my clothes, my lyrics book, your jumper, your scarf, that tiny Beatles' pin you used to hang on your coats. Our picture of the bedside table, getting it carefully out of the frame, leaving it blank.

Making the most difficult phone call of my life, I bit my lips, I held my guitar case strongly sticking onto my passion for music like my life depended on it, because it depended on it. I heard Clint cheering up and I knew there was a future, some sort.

So I had to give you my farewell. You tried to open your eyes because you thought I was waking up, but two kisses on your cheek made it for you. You smiled sleepily and that managed to finally break myself into tears.

I kept crying, scribbling you a note, unable to even stand up and try to leave the house. For a moment, I thought about staying. But as I wrote those lines everything became even clearer, stated on the paper. There were no excuses anymore.

If I looked out of the van's window, I could see an endless field spotted with tall, green trees here and there, and white clouds drawing shapes in the blue sky. I wished you could have been there to see it too. Clint asked me why was I crying but I guess, he didn't see our picture held between my hands, he just thought I was a moody person. All the time the tour lasted.

Being in such remote places made my spirit fade a bit, thousands of miles away from home. But I looked at the moon in hopes that, wherever you were at, you were doing the same, we were both staring at the same light.

 

—I feel so fine when I'm with you—he says between kisses that he won't stop giving me.

Knocking down the unstoppable weakness I feel towards his lips I get myself to speak.

—Liam, what did really happen to you that night?

—What night?

—One year ago. You've never really told me the truth right?

Liam's face suddenly turns concerned, like tired of the conversation. —Yeah, I have. I have. Like a million times, I was stoned, that's it.

—Is that what you say to yourself? You can't have self-convinced yourself about that. Have you ever tried to think what could it be? Or-?

He interrupts me shouting. —Stop fucking theorizing! It's ridiculous!

—Or it's that you don't want to tell me?

—It's nothing! At all! And if it was back then, now it's senseless, cause nothing's happening. I kissed you tonight, yeah? Did you see me hesitate at any moment? No. Cause I'm fine, I'm completely fine with it as you see. I'm not scared.

He struggles with words, funnily enough to say he doesn't hesitate. He is scared again.

—Mate, I've fucking raised you up, don't even try to cheat me.

I know this as a matter of a fact. He gets off the sofa and throws the cushion away, trying to look angry. He stands giving me his back and breathes quickly and harshly.

—You don't believe me after all? Ok. I will show you.

—Liam don't be childish.

 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

I get on my knees below him.

—Do you think this is childish?

—Liam it's alright, we were having a good time together. It's alright, I'm alright, don't do anything that could ruin it please.

—Is it gonna ruin it for you? You don't want me?

I get my face closer to that part of him until it touches the tip of my nose. He closes his eyes and puts his hand on my shoulder.

—You know you don't like it.

—Do you want me? Or not?

—Stop interrupting me! — he tights his hand around my shoulder, and like a prick balloon loses consistency as I don't answer to him, and he doesn't know what he is going to say next.

I breath deeply and look at him in the eyes just a second, before ducking my head again, undoing his jeans.

Awkwardly, I kiss his hipline when it’s exposed. I give one first kiss and I smile, when I look at Noel I notice he's closed his eyes again. I suck the skin softly, really, really missing his skin after such long time, this reminding me that I fucking adore my brother. I'm for a while kissing him for my own pleasure, and I can't stop smiling. I want to crawl myself beside him and hold him, and listen to music together, play together, laugh together until we fall asleep.

Maybe there is no need on doing any of this. Maybe I won't feel good with it as he says. I adore him too much for any of this. I imagine Noel, loving me, so pure and deep that he only wants to protect me. I don't want to be his boyfriend. What a stupid tag. I want to be his brother on our own, special way.

—Noel I love you.

—I love you too... but suck it for a fucking once.

My lips get crystallized. I feel his grip on my shoulder tightening and looking beneath me I see the shape of his swollen member covered by the pant's fabric.

—Oh, I know what happens— he says —You don't know how to right? Oh my god.

—Noel is just that...

—Don't worry, I got it. I knew you were scared about something— he giggles —It's ok really. I'll show you how.

He slides his own pants down and strokes my cheek with his fingers.

—Kiss it— Noel says —Just kiss it— he whispers. I gasp and I win a battle against my own wills. Decidedly, I lean down and kiss its tip. He looks at me satisfied, so, I kiss it again, until it becomes proper masturbation with my tongue and my hand sliding up and down to ease the work. I really need to empty my mind when I hear loud moans coming out of Noel’s lips, who closes his blue eyes tight and leans his head back.

—Get your sweater off Liam.

—Why?

—Cause you look so beautiful.

—Do I? — I laugh nervously and he nods his head.

Once I've done it we look at each other and I giggle again, trying to make this foreplay as long as I possibly can.

—Inside— Noel gasps. With his thumb, he strokes my lower lip and then grabs my head to put it on the right position. Noel pushes it forward until I have to open my mouth and get half of his member inside. I shake a bit for the shock but I let him move my head as he pleases, he does it very slowly, knowing that I need time to get used to this new flavor, this new texture… I just need to close my eyes and imagine it is another person.

This works for the first twenty seconds he does this, I empty my brain and it feels like this is some kind of strange dream. But his distinct voice drives me back to reality. He releases my head and I get him out of my mouth, waiting for another order, like a kid listening to his teacher.

—Suck it. Use your tongue— he says. I try to do my best. I manage to go faster when he bucks his hips asking for more, but I can’t get it any deeper. And Noel wants it, his pants are desperate and he has to hold my head again when he can’t anymore. It makes it so difficult to breath, I feel the tip of his member touching my throat every now and again and it makes me want to stop, breath, and probably run away. But I know how good it feels, you can hear Noel going mad and repeating my name with passion in his voice, grabbing a fistful of my hair and moving his hips up and down.

Noel is completely mental, then so I'll be.

It doesn’t get much time for him to cum loud being still inside my mouth, he shouts my name as I’ve never heard him do it, and touches my face all over.

By the time he is finished, I stand up, swallow, clean my mouth with my hand and fix my hair. Noel fastens his own jeans and stands up to hug me and kiss me on my cheek.

—I fucking adore you— he murmurs.

—Did you like it?

—I loved it. You are, honestly, the prettiest.

—The prettiest boy?

—The prettiest I've ever seen.


	19. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well I can't believe I'm posting this (I actually can). So we finally came to an end.  
> I'm not good with gratitude words but I'd like to thank everyone who ever got interested in this little story, specially my friends, because they are the best people. Thank you so much for not trying to kill me yet (at least I think you haven't) and you know I love you.  
> So, the narrations are mixed, like in the last chapter. Sorry in advance for any possible confusion. Again, thank you so much for reading, honestly. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Can you start to imagine how good does it feel to wake up again, surrounded by the arms of the person you love?

And he lays so confidently beside me, draws hearts in my skin with his fingertips, his nose sinks in my hair.

A sunray hits me directly in the eyes but even though I can't open them, I can describe how this room exactly looks like. My sweater is on the floor, under my trousers,  and Noel's and our underwear and his watch; which I broke and tore off his hand when I tried to cling onto something, to keep the balance on this narrow sofa. My toes are freezing sticking out the blanket. Noel woke up in the middle of the night, I wanted to go to bed. But this bed has Louise's sheets and it didn't seem like the most right thing to do. So he tucked us under this and made sure my back laid flat against his body.

—You awake? — he hums with muffled voice —How are you? Too hard of a headache?

I pretend I'm asleep, yet frowning with the sun burning my eyelids. Noel puts his hand above them.

—Thanks— I giggle.

—You're cold,  fuck...— he rolls the blanket around me and pulls me closer  —Do you know what penguins do in the winter to keep their chicks warm?

—What do they do?

—Join themselves together.

—Them fucking weird birds... they can't even fly. How is that a bird?

—You can't fly either and look at you.

 I ignore the pun and turn to see his face. He's got some mess of a haircut recently, now grown so long it tangles between his grin. I take it away to kiss him, almost just rubbing our lips together.

—Cut that fucking hair off, or what.

His eyes water up and drops a tear, a wide smile still glowing.

—But don't be so sensitive.

—I'm glad to have you here. I don't know. It's like a dream man. If you had reacted like the first time, I don't know what I'd have done. Probably I wouldn't have been able to handle it.

—I'm fine, I told you— he makes a hard effort to keep his tears back and keep smiling. When Noel smiles, the corners of his lips shape tiny arches, his cheeks are rounded and blushed. His eyes almost disappear and you see those little wrinkles around them. And in the bottom of their pupils there is a light, warm like the sun.

The sun reflecting on our kitchen's windows glasses. The warmth of the fire of our chimney. The Irish sunset and the birds flying in its orange sky. I guess, that maybe I love him because I am a nostalgic. And I will do whatever to never let that smile down.

 

\-----------------------------------------

 

Getting in Liam's band was as easy as I thought it would be. As easy as start managing the situation.

I started writing him songs. A lot of songs. Each one of them talked about a feeling, some of them were entirely about describing him, us. If people ever ask who are these songs for, I'd say my ex girlfriend, my friend, nobody in particular, an unknown girl I met once.

He shapes and creates his voice as he fits it into my songs, or my songs into it. I sit on this studio in my wooden chair and behind the glass there is an angel, singing lyrics that nobody else understands. I might wrote those lyrics late at night, beside his sleeping figure. In a napkin, during long flights crawling in the last seat of the plane. I've written my lyrics even on his own skin.

The white sheet covers Liam up to his waist, when  I trace his spine with my fingers he purrs in satisfaction. A blue eye and a half smile strikes my gaze when he feels the tip on the pencil sinking in his back. I write the letters smoothly one by one, as fast as they come out of my mind.

—It's tickling me.

—Shhh, I'm almost done.

—What does it say?

He bends his neck trying to peep it —Stop— I softly slap his face —Try to guess it.

He gets quiet, thoughtfully —Mmm... It says... Liam Gallagher is cool.

—Exactly.

 

One fight or another couldn't break us. If we weren't this complicated, I'm pretty sure we won't be as interested in each other as we are, some people like challenges. Fighting for nonsense is meaningless at the end of the day, when every word you said or every punch you gave is forgiven by a silent kiss under the duvet.  

We were on top of the fucking world. He was a wild animal, brilliant, stunning, he caught your eye and made you stay there even after he left.

To hear all that people singing back to us those songs I wrote for him filled my heart with joy and euphoria. It gave me wings to fly, we were in another planet feeling like gods. I loved Liam religiously, I believed in him, when I saw him come into that stage and pierce his eyes on mines for a second. Consider that we rarely look at each other directly, because it triggers explosions.

I counted the minutes left to press him against the wall and sink my lips against his. When there was people there to look at us it felt brilliant.

—We hate each other, really.

That's all they needed to hear. It was even funnier kissing him in front of Meg and Patsy.

—I don't like you— and he kissed my cheek.

—I hate you— and I bit his bottom lip. The girls laughed and looked away.

—They are hilarious—Meg said.

—You bet we are.

In 1997 we both got our haircut to look the same. Not very convincing for me though, but I could have spent hours rubbing Liam's number 2 like the fabric of a carpet. Patsy hated it. Months after, they got married and Liam wore his military head with some matching sunglasses and all in black.

—Funeral style mate?

—It's a shame you lost the party—he said, all stretched in his new married-man leather chair, wearing nothing but his underwear. He watched telly and smoked a cigarette without filter, sipping on his hangover-healing glass of whiskey.

—Sorry, I was invited?

—Of course brother. You probably were too busy buying knickers for your bird.

—Nobody else does that Liam— I sat in the armchair, stroked his chest trying to drive away his attention from Eastenders.

—I do, for a reason. Look, I even saved you some cake. You aren't even giving me wedding presents and here I am, caring— he sat up all of a sudden— Wait there— he shouted, and disappeared behind the door.

I drank the rest of his glass and played the important man on his king chair for a while. A shaved head hoped into the room minutes after. The white lingerie looked even whiter in its limit towards Liam's tanned skin; he made a performance walking to me with the obviously too small thong and the tights (for some reason, these ones looked like they kinda fit him).

He waved his inexistent hair, probably feeling it like some ghost member from 96, and crossed and twisted his legs in a motion that tried to look elegantly, like he'd seen models do in a runway, almost like that time he jumped to one himself. Those tights cropped their way right up to his hipbones, their transparent fabric marked every bone and the tiny curves of his legs. Even though they wrinkled more as they went down to his feet due to his bony complexion, and that was the only thing making me realize he was actually not a girl.

Liam shaved his legs, sometimes. He'd never admit it though, but he did it. He very probably had done it that morning when in his catastrophic mind, the idea of performing a cabaret dance before me was born. He sat onto me bridal style, and burst into laugh.

—Why the hell are you the one laughing? — I shook my head.

—Look at your face. I thought you would like it. This is a preview for our wedding—Liam said, and stroked his cheek against my stubble.

—Is it now when the husband shags the bride?

—Yeah.

—Then, take that fucking shit off. But leave the tights. I mean, take them off, take the other thing off and then...

—How is that you fuck me with tights on?

—I'll find out.

And that's how Patsy's wedding lingerie got ruined forever, in a trash can. Patsy didn't deserve it.

 

 

After all, the cause of the problem must be, that he doesn't trust me, though it's not my fault being realistic. The first time I told him we should start dating women he slapped me in the face, at the following day, I awoke to find a girl sleeping in his bed. From that time onwards, it had been one girl after the other he has brought, messed up with, wasted their time or made a compromise with that he would never fulfill. And after that, he would come to find me and let me comfort himself, he said it was like coming back home, and I told him he was obsessed with me.

But what can I do, I am too.

 

\--------------------------------------------

 

Noel always tried to find himself perfect, model girlfriends. This kind of girls who are pretty, calmed, discreet and would give our mam a good impression. He'd walk them around home every once in a while, he would treat them like queens until the very same day they broke up. He built matured and serious relationships and marriages and had his children, and took care of them. Everyone could say Noel had a normal familiar life, and I felt both admiration and jealousy for the same thing.

 

I never really knew what I was doing.  I wanted a marriage and at the same time I wanted every girl I could have. I wanted Noel but every time we were together it felt like cheating. Then, I thought, why not with everybody else? It's the same thing at the end of the day.

I was screwing it up but I preferred not to think about it. I didn't want any responsibilities because I was fully conscious about the fact that anything was to last forever, so, why would I take care of it? Nowadays I can regret, but there's nothing to do.

Sometimes I just could think about every possible way to patch things up with Noel. I spent more time than I really had thinking about him and feeling for him. We were going up and down, from great to awful within hours. This beautiful woman looked at me with loving eyes and described a future together, gave me the best of her, gave me her son. And in the back of my mind, when I looked back at her, there was the image of my brother.

Noel's attention was always first. Sometimes, I opened my notebook in a random page and I wrote a list of how to-s get it:

-Seduce him

-Talk beautifully to him

-Cry around

-Pretend I've got something broken

-Pretend I'm ill

-Pretend I've fallen

-Fallen from a train arriving to the station when another train had just left and the rails still burnt, and in the hospital the doctors said someone needed to take care of my wounds, healing them with kisses every three minutes.

-Skip a gig

Check.

And there I had it: from calm to storm, to calm again. He went mad, talked shit about me with everyone, and the press, he cursed me, called me on my phone and cursed me through the speaker. He threatened that he will sack me out of his band. That he'll rip my hair off. Eventually, he started with Noel's mood, moody and indifferent, pretending Liam didn't exist

I was just giving him minutes of glory, what else did he want?

—Noel, forgive me. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.—I mumbled drunkenly at a party, 3 am, clinging onto his shoulder.

—Fuck right off so fast. You're an unprofessional cunt. Stop doing my nut in and go cry to whoever wants to hear you.

—Twat.

That night, Noel and Liam slept together. As a matter of a fact. I sang to him in bed.

—Is this how you wanted me to sign on the gig? — I muttered in his ear.

—Fucker.

—Talking to the songbird yesterday, flew me to a place not far away...

—Get off me, you cunt. You've put on weight.

—He's a little pilot in my mind, singing songs of love to pass the time... You look like a little pilot hidden behind your enormous, ridiculous guitar and the microphone. I mean, if you wore pilot glasses that would make it. The guitar is like the controls. String 2, accelerate! String 4, to the right! —I shouted grabbing his ears like control pads, and I made a grimace which pretended to look annoyed show in his face.

—Am I a war pilot? So I can blow your fucking head off?

—Still moody?

—You know what Liam? Someday you're gonna find the limit of my patience.

—Never. I love you way too much for that.

And that night we made intimate holidays plans. We flew to Paris.

 

\--------------------------------------------

 

He's got this kind of anger problem. Almost as unpredictable as the moment a real smile could appear in his lips. We've ended up breaking each other's bones for fights, triggered by how loud is going to sound someone's instrument on stage, who gets the left sit on the tour bus, where has someone's beer gone.

Sometimes I reckon I'm too old for this shit. Too many years of hiding and fighting with him for nonsense and, we both lowkey know what are the real reasons. I'm distressed, tired, and so is him.  Our bond has got weaker and our love has gone through so many obstacles that, each new one gets harder to go through.

 That night he was crawled down on the hall's stairs, with his bottom lip permanently stuck out and the bottle of wine in his hand.

It was 2007 summer and I remember a cool breeze raised up my neck hairline and sent shivers up my spine. I hid my hands on my pockets and felt my knees trembling, keeping decent distance between me and him.

The younger man raised his eyelids and a light stripe run through his eyes, the dark of their blue would have mixed with the color of the sky. He stood up and put his hands on his pockets too, his walking swagger barely came with him this time. He was dead serious.

—This is childish— I snapp, as calmed as possible.

—The fuck it is.

—You should focus on how you do your work Liam, instead of being an obstacle for me and the whole fucking band— I tried to sound more sobering than angry, speaking it  out like the warning it was— We need a singer, not a twelve years old. We need you to dig the conditions of your work and shut the fuck up and do it. 

—You aren't my fucking boss.

—I'm not, I'm anybody's boss! Everybody is under conditions cause I may remind you this is a group! —I pointed to our bandmates, who observed the scene keeping prudent meters of distance, already used to witness our constant fights, as it had been going on frequently that whole year.

—Stop talking bullshit! You dick, you want to be the main man, cause you reckon I'm not as good anymore! Do you think you do it any better? Then go fucking do it yourself, go on your own or stop fucking me up and let me do my job!

—You should be fucking grateful I'm still here taking your bullshit.

My brother took a breath to talk again, though in an anger impulse swung the half empty bottle of wine and hurled it over my head. I dodged it in the last moment, feeling the cold glass skim my crown hair, and I closed my eyes resigned.

—When are you going to stop behaving like it's fucking 1991.

—You're still the same prick you were in 1991.

His words managed to hurt my pride. They brought back bitter memories I thought buried, a face of Liam I hadn't seen in a long time.

—After all I've done for you... —I said shaking my head, allegedly trying to hurt his pride as well. I'm well aware there's no point on trying to use violence against him because I would very probably lose, but I have my methods to hurt him as much.

—What exactly have you done for me?—Liam spread his arms open trying to resemble a bigger, threatening figure, even though I already saw tinkling pupils, and his shaking jaw like a kid's mouth when they are about to explode crying. He was not going to cry, not then surrounded by people, but he stuck onto that objective to remind me moments of the past when he was more vulnerable, and his vulnerability made my knees shake. But not that day.

—Maybe you have done shit yeah, but none of that means fucking nothing cause you fucking trash me all the time. What have I done to you? We never had something real, we were just losing our fucking time and lying, lying... —he stopped to think about what he was going to say next, tried to find the correct words to express his feelings, which not even him had very clear.

—We lied to so many people. We fucked it up, we even had kids Noel.

—Don't get it wrong. You fucked it up with your kids. Life is not about standing there and expect to have everything you can fucking want. If you had understood that when it was your time we wouldn't be here now.

—But just because you only care about what the fucking press is talking about you... and you stupid money and shit— desperate, he jogged his long sleeve in a motion and breathed sharply through his mouth.

—The problem we have with you is having spoiled you so much through your whole life. You think everything is Liam's game in Liam's kingdom and everyone is going to be there for your service. Well, fucking no. With me, you dig the conditions, or not. I think you are old enough now to understand it.

—If it is about conditions how do you still call it love?

—In your case I call it fucking whim.

—So I love you just on a whim? —he asked, like the most incensed man in the world.

—Yes you do, because you don't even care there's people hearing. You don't even respect that— I say, and both my brother and I turned our heads to see our bandmates. Who, with a mixture of incomprehension, aversion and surprise in their faces, didn't bother about taking their eyes away from us.

Liam, bold and indifferent and so in your face, as always. He took a step forward and his smooth hands held my face quickly, and he kissed me. He put his whole heart on this kiss, he made it last, I let it last. I didn't move an inch, and felt nothing else but anger. And when we finally split apart, I stood my glance firm.

—Don't do that ever again.

 

\--------------------------------------

 

It has been like watching the Titanic sink. Sinking for years until we've touched our rock bottom. We split, split a band, a myth, a story and a whole life just split and broken into pieces.

Everybody saw it coming. It's been more than two years since the last time I kissed him and never a kiss felt so empty. I never thought the last one will be so cold, honestly I never thought the last one will arrive. We were so intoxicated; Noel put miles of distance between me and him, and I stood at the edge of the crack in the ground as he faded farther. Both of us blame on each other most of the problems of our lives and it has a very difficult solution. And I miss Noel, but a version of Noel that doesn't exist anymore.

Deep inside I yearn for being that couple of brothers who loved each other so many years ago. The couple we watched through a screen and we couldn't believe, but that meant everything for me. Wherever they are now, they should know they've become a memory, almost like they never really existed.

They once held hands even though they weren't walking, cause they might couldn't do it on the street but they'll do it at home.  They shared pillows, secrets, a spot on the sofa and extremely stupid laughs at each other's jokes. They understood themselves like anybody else could do, and Liam talked a lot of nonsense that made sense for Noel. Noel made him shut up sealing his lips with one finger, as the complete adoration flooded him and he really wanted Liam to stop talking and use his mouth to kiss him.

The little brother fell asleep to Noel's guitar strumming, observed him reading his books quiet and calmed which relaxed his spirit too. They were two energies balancing each other creating a perfect rhythm.

In the back of the lounge, that slowly gets filled by people, Liam sits by himself. In front of his chair the large tables are full of empty plates, half drunk glasses, boxes which contain these strange kind of serpentines, that people shoot after the last stroke of the year

The backdrop, still the same of 30 years ago: the big, homely Misses Gallagher's lounge, which used to be small, but never stopped being humble. The same familiar voices, his eldest brother (single another year) skipping songs on the radio until he finds the Irish tune he reckons is perfect for the situation. New members of the family. He almost would like to say they are running and playing and filling with noise the walls of the house, but it'd be more realistic to describe two young boys, reflecting a phone screen in their eyes identic to their father's.

Liam stands up from the plastic chair and finds himself a spot on the couch, in the very same corner of it. In a few minutes, everyone would be trying to find their little spots crowding before the television. Counting at the top of their lungs: "12, 11, 10, 9..." Eventually they'll explode in a wave of joy, a heap of cuddles and congratulations.

Our Liam remembers feeling his head crushed against his mother's chest and his brother's  back. His soft hair tangled in the sweater buttons, his nose was twisted and his cheeks squashed while he sang along with everybody. He remembers jumping, his mouth opening to smile as broadly as he possibly could. And at the moment her mother let him go (to breath) his laughter of joy became a grin of happiness and his eyes closed against his brother's chest. They both wanted to start the new year together, holding. Drunk with the wine and wool scent, and on their own.

Liam suddenly remembers why that will always be his favorite spot. And his right hand feels very empty. The custom in his house is being four persons and deal four exact places for everyone to sit. And, while Peggy chose her old rocking chair, Paul preferred the floor so he almost absorbed the TV with his eyes. And the younger snuggled together, Liam left, Noel right, it had always been like that.

In his mind, like a film, 1995's New Year's Eve is being reproduced. He even believes he can hear out loud the song that played in that moment. That one he's sung so many times he could include in his ID. Both brothers contemplated one another on the television screen, nevertheless, avoided looking directly at each other.

It had been another fight, ridiculous, hurtful, violence in between. If it wasn't for Noel's strumming in his acoustic solo, you could have heard a pin drop. They didn't want to increase the atmosphere of tension and pretended not to be about jumping at each other's necks. Maybe to avoid hurting someone else.

"Maybe" was the word Liam sang emphasizing that final "e" so distinctively, echoing in Noel's ears, travelling up through his veins to his brain.

"Best hit of 1995", read the sign down below. How big they'd come to be, they both thought, and Liam's voice filled Noel's brain like he was hearing it on a stadium.

Then he felt Liam's soft fingertips running through his hands. He looked at him in his nonchalant way to look, and his eyes asked for forgiveness, and fondness, and reciprocation. A kiss, maybe. Noel got so close as to have given him one, but the fact they weren't alone was so evident he could back away, and in any case his hand already held his brother's strongly.

The images passed through the screen and the brothers observed together.

—Look at that Paul. They've got emotional.

Said the mother, full of pride. Paul in fact looked at them, however, it was impossible to disturb them when they already travelled to another world together.

In that house it was an open secret everybody had learned to unvoice. Shivers and resignation sighs, furtive glances when they disappeared behind the door. Liam and Noel where something you couldn't understand and you'd better not make the effort to try to.

—The strokes are gonna start right now— said the youngest, holding both Noel's hands.

Noel passed his arms behind his back and brought his little love closer—You really believe in this silly things, don't you?

—What silly things?

—You know, like counting the strokes down brings good luck and that. It's just bullshit.

Liam frowned, flushing a little bit —Well I can believe whatever I want.

—I believe in you— Noel hummed, sounding way more serious than he had pretended.

—No, you can't start talking like a soap opera character now— Liam burst into laughter and punched Noel's chest softly.

—It's the truth—Noel rolled his eyes to him, and laughed as well, slightly annoyed for not being taken serious— It's the truth!

—Is this like this song you wrote for me? That accessi.. acquiescing...

—Acquiesce. And I didn't write it for you, cunt.

—It said, "because we believe in one another". You sing it to me Noel, that's lovely— Liam used his wide devilish grin, turning Noel's knees into jelly.

—Whatever—Noel spat. Right after, their mother's voice warned them from the lounge. 1995 was coming to a term. They both got quiet again.

They fondled into a tender hug, Liam nuzzled his face in Noel's neck and finally could articulate a proper "forgive me", that sounded muffled against the skin.

—In twenty years time—Noel whispered— we'll still be two dicks hiding on a corridor to hear the strokes.

—Are you going to be holding me?

—Mmh... —the first stroke rang and Noel stopped pretending he was wondering the answer —Of course I will.

—Twenty years time. It sounds like an eternity. It's like the fucking future—sixth bell and Liam's brain already lost the point. Seventh bell —Where are we going to find the strength to deal with each other for other twenty years?

—For me it's been already twenty three. And here I am.

—True.

Tenth bell. Liam folded down another finger, and waited in silence.

—They say, when we fall in love, we lift the ceiling of our potential.

—Happy 1996.


End file.
